Because of You Because of Me
by idiotisland
Summary: Lucius wanted to date Narcissa but his mother obviously had other ideas.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything  
**

01\. The end.

"I think that will do."

There was an unfamiliar voice in the house. Someone was talking outside his bedroom. Usually he would be pissed at being disturbed, especially when he was in bed, sleeping or whatever else. But tonight he was in a unbeatably wonderful mood. He went to Diagon Alley this morning and read the latest "Quidditch Comment" for several hours. Holyhead Harpies had another victory. The historical record that Harpies kept for their match against Heidelberg Harriers was still a piece of meat to any critics. Then he had afternoon tea at a newly opened cafe. At least that's what he told his mother. It's not that he lied, he just did't include every detail, like he read the magazine leaning on the bookshelf, sharing that with a witch; like how soft her golden hair felt in his hand; or that he had some cocktail for tea and the beauty with him had the lip as red as the cherry on the side of his cup and her fingers as soft as summer flowers…

Nah, those would be too bother. His mother was never interested in those kinds of things. Besides, he had already decided to keep every bit of those memories exclusive to himself.

"I need no think. You have to make sure. Double check. I paid you enough and I need a guarantee that everything must be taken care of."

That was his mother's voice. They were whispering but somehow he could still hear them through his door. There was the suppressed anger in her voice. After eighteen years of being her son, his suggestion would be, that, whatever they were talking about, drop it, and soon. Or, as they said, make the promise or guarantee convincing.

But then, it was none of his business what another man might go through. He was quiet content himself. He chuckled silently and sleepily. Hell to pay.

They were still talking somewhere but the sound became lower and more distant, like some murmur, like a whisper. He shifted in bed and buried his head in his pillow. He smiled. He just had some hot milk and felt warm and cozy now. He knew he would have a sweet dream. Then, when he woke up he would go see the beauty who visited him in his dream.

She had graduated from Hogwarts three weeks ago. Pity he hadn't had a proper excuse to attend her graduation ceremony or to pick her up at the station himself. His internship at Ministry would start in a fortnight but till then they have all the time. He remembered how excited she was seeing the Harpies won again and mentally decided that he would take her to their next game. Merlin knows how much she secretly liked Quidditch and how much he loved that. If either her last or first name starts with G, he might even worry about her attending the next recruiting of the Harpies. Lucky him she did not.

He also decided to invite her to the August Malfoy Ball. Of course she would agree. Maybe he could introduce her to his family and make their relationship official. He knew his parents did not like him hiding who he was seeing. Hiding meant secrets and secrets were never good. It was not that he did not want them know about Narcissa, but every time he mentioned that Narcissa always hesitate. He knew she had her own reasons and worries but he ensured her and himself that everything would be find.

Nothing could be better.

With that thought he fell asleep. 

XOXO

Persephone was crossed. Lucius had been absent recently. Always had things to do or friends to meet. He had never had any friends for Merlin's sake. She had to promise rewards to get him go to family reunions since he was four. But what really got her suspicions up was the smile he wore every time he came home, like he was a fool. He day dreamt in his armchair in the living room. She had to raise her voice to get his attention. When she asked him what happened, he kept his mouth shut, like she was a fool. Sometimes he even dared to miss dinner. One of the house elves reported to her that there was some rose wine lipstick on his right sleeve. A solid confirmation that he was seeing someone. She had made it clear that dating was forbidden. Young witches nowadays were more or less corrupted. They kept talking about free dating. Seriously, how could naive children be together without permissions of both parents and the promise of marriage! Worse thing was that some ridiculous writers even claimed there to be the thing called love.

To prevent worse situation, she hired Finn, a private detective, to keep an eye on Lucius and find out whoever he was seeing and whatever he was doing. Three days ago, when Lucius was out to a party at Lestrange Manor, Finn came and reported to her Lucius's whereabouts. He told her about Narcissa Black. She saw her on almost every photo with Lucius, talking, laughing, hand in hand or reading together with their foreheads almost touching… One of the photos was taken really closely. The girl wore a white summer dress and a white sun hat. She was sipping her drink while Lucius staring at her with his head slightly askew . Neither of them aware the existence of the surroundings, not even when she gave Lucius her infamous furious glares.

She really hate that girl now. She knew about the Black family. True, they were one of the oldest pureblood families. Her grandfather once had been engaged with the fourth daughter of the Black family. But then, after three years of engagement, the shameless woman ran away with her lover. Her lover, for Merlin's sake! So it was obvious enough that the Black family had long lost their sense of honour and this generation was no better. Rumour says the three Black girls were all gorgeous. Not in her opinion anyway. She had only seen Narcissa, but she could already say that if her sisters were like her then they could only be called pretty. Pretty girls in pureblood families were as common as roses in gardens. For her own information, she heard that the oldest one was wild. She danced and drank and laughed all she wanted. The second one, as scary and astonishing as it was, seemed to had some friends who were not pureblood. The youngest, might be quiet and good at school, but then, having seen how Lucius looked at her, was also out of consideration. Her family fortune was diminishing anyway.

Lucius was not serious about her. He might not realised that himself, but as his mother, she knew. His intern at the Ministry was starting in two weeks and the Vice minster had already invited the Malfoy family over for dinner. She knew he only had a single daughter, at a marriageable age. Thus she decided to make things simple. Finn told her about some memory potion that could help delete certain memories. Obliviation would be too much. She did not want her son waking up and forget his own name. Seizing memory was not safe. What if he found out? Then things would be too complicated. She did not want her own son to inquire her about the honour of her behavior. Taking all these into consideration, although reluctant, she agreed to use the potion and erase any memory about and only about that girl. She blended the potion with hot milk. Lucius took it without any suspicion.

Everything would be fine now. She planned to have the tailor come over and measure a new suit for him. He would always be her lovely son.

 **A/N: So...here is chapter one, please tell me what do you think! Suggestions and criticisms are so very welcomed! It has been years since I read the book and watched the movie so if there is any inaccurate about names or time please tell me!**

 **English is not my native language, so forgive me if there are (must be) any grammar mistakes or misuse of words (although I try to revise myself and look up in a dictionary) I really want to make this story better!**

 **Hope you enjoyed it!**


	2. Chapter 2

02\. New Beginning.

It was three o' clock in the afternoon. Not the busiest time of a hospital. Some patients were taking a nap while others sitting outside and enjoying the autumn view. She always felt amazing how colourful the leaves could be at this time. As if she could suddenly understand the passion of drawing. In that case, she thought, I might love autumn more than spring.

She had been working at St. Mungo's as a nurse for almost eight months now. She was admitted as a nurse at St. Mungo's before last Christmas and officially started working this January. Being a nurse was not exactly the same as how she had thought but by far everything was fine. The salary was not high but was enough to afford herself. She lived on her own now. She rent an apartment in town so it would be more convenient for her going to and coming back from work.

She was sorting the patients' files at the Nursing Station. The hospital was quiet so she could hear the other nurses talking.

"Why would she come and work here anyway?"

"I heard she was good at school. Always the top student."

"But she is a Black! Wasn't she supposed to be married? I mean most of the girls from those families would get engaged or married as soon as they graduated."

"Maybe nobody wants her then. Look at her, aloof and icy. I bet she is not good at bed."

"Did her parents really let her out? It is not like her family lack money?"

"I heard that the Black family's fortune is diminishing."

"Oh, pity, she will be a spinster then."

She managed to keep the smile on her face, trying to not pay too much attention to what they were talking and told herself that it was just another casual conservation the girls would have when they thought she was too far to hear them. They did not realise the quietness of an autumn afternoon was too much for their credit.

She had always wanted to do something relative to medicine even at school. She had been able to manage almost all O-s in her courses. Ancient Runes was fun, but among all the classes she took, only Potions and Charms got her real interest. Maybe because these two courses make her feel like a real witch. Just think, if it was not magic, how come one can turn change into someone else simply by drinking a glass of gross fluid? Or how could you have your breakfast without going off your bed? That was her favourite trick now that she did not have a house elf. She got lots of practice when the weather was cold or she had the day off and somehow it had became one of the best wandless charms she could do. Lucky mother did not need to know about that part.

She had a little smile for that thought and made a mental note to pay her mother a visit over the weekend. Having her moved out, none of the girls actually lived in Black Manor now. Bellatrix, according to herself, was doing practice and researches on some complicated charms, while Andromeda always hang out with her friends. Mother seemed to have already get used to them not coming home. Honestly, the manor was too big and empty even when she was there. It was darker than she'd have liked. Plus, she felt more free in her own place, alone.

She smiled when she thought of the latest Quidditch Weekly on her night table. The World Cup was near and there were lots of reviews and prediction of how things might be this year. Though she had never had any luck on sports, she actually loved watching Quidditch. Living alone gave her the chance to buy the magazines without worrying about being caught by mother. Merlin knows how much trouble she could get by having anything to do with such an 'unladylike' thing.

She looked up at the clock on the wall, 4:15. Her shift would not end until midnight but then she could go back to her apartment and have a hot shower. Maybe read more about the coming matches.

XOXO

Trivial things were consuming.

Lucius had been hungry in the afternoon but had lost most of his appetite when he finally finished all his work. He looked at the watch on his wrist, already half past eight. Richard, one of his fellow colleagues, was yelling about going to the nearby pub and have some drink. He laughed silently, the prat, still in the office and he sounded already drunk. It was almost a tradition. On those late nights they would go relax somewhere. Drink, dance, have a one night thing…or just talk.

He had already missed several such sessions. He felt tired recently. Had no enough energy or interest. On some occasions he really wondered, how could they go to the same place day after day. True, there were various of drinks and they taste fine. He did not fancy the dances or the music though. Call him conservative or stubborn, but he did prefer classical music with slow and elegant melody. And the pub girls, seriously, even under the dim light they wore too much make ups, and with the influence of alcohol, their faces were always a blur.

He was thinking of any excuses he hadn't used when Richard walked directly towards him,

"Come on, beau, don't tell me you are gonna miss this again?"

He raised one of his eyebrows,

"Told you Rick, don't call me beau."

His voice came more harsh than he thought.

But Richard only smirked,

"What else can I say when you are so beau-ti-ful?"

Wrong word. Richard knew exactly how much he hated when people say that to him. He could feel his lips pressed into a thin line when he looked again at Richard. He hated it when someone, anyone called him that. It was girlish and stupid.

He glared at Richard and Richard glared back.

Even when he did that he knew what was going to happen.

Someone at the back laughed,

"Competitions up!"

Yeah. Every time when they challenge each other like that they would end up in the bar, having drinking competitions. Maybe it was not that bad after all. If alcohol could help him relieve some stress, why not.

He smirked. Let's see how many shots Ricky-git could bear shall we?

It must have been over midnight. The sky was dark and the moon started to fell. There was only the faintest light along the road. He felt tipsy. Well, maybe a little bit more. Richard was good tonight. They had one competition for the most shots in five minutes, another one for total shots, and he won both. He smirked, really, there was no way he would let Richard win after he called him that. Last time he checked, mind you, not that he cared, Richard had passed out with his saliva all over his desk. He even saw one brown-haired girl Richard had winked at before walking towards him.

He definitely felt better than he had been hours ago. He felt light and relieved. Maybe he should be easier on himself and took alcohol more often.

He smirked again but suddenly felt dizzy. As if someone had pulled him, he tripped over his own heel and fell on the ground. The stone ground was cold and rough. His bottom ache.

For some moment he was confused. He looked around the street. There was barely anyone. It was late and it was wizard world. People choose magical transportations like Apperate instead of walking. He slowly supported himself up. However, in such status, he really could not trust himself to Apperate back home in one piece. It would be funny if he only had four fingers tomorrow morning. Anyway, his place was only three blocks away from the pub. He was at the corner of the second crossroad when he bumped into a signal lamp.

"Ouch"

He cursed under his breath and lost his balance again. He felt himself falling behind. A voice at the back of his mind warning him that if he did not regain balance quick enough the back of his head would knock into the brick wall. But he could not control himself any more.

He felt the ache again.

He heard someone gasp. He saw someone running towards him. Blond hair and blue eyes.

He slid down the wall. Petite hands grabbed his.

Her hands cold.

 **A/N: Please review, they are the best motivation!**


	3. Chapter 3

03\. I dreamt of you.

Grace, the nurse who was supposed to take the shift after Narcissa was delayed. Her eight-month-old son was sick. She took him with her to the hospital but had to stay with him. She promised she would be back as soon as possible. Narcissa got her covered, telling her no hurries. She did not really mind that much. Grace was nice to her. She was a half blood. There was a tacit agreement among pure bloods. Her parents told the three of them before they started school that their family did not want anyone other than pure blood to degenerate their reputation. She smirked. She did not talk about her family at St. Mungo, just that her name was Narcissa. But the nurses could always guess, and with the initial of B it was really not that hard. She knew they knew. She heard them talking about her family even this, or to be precise, last afternoon. She did not know if Grace knew that. If she did she didn't say anything and she appreciated that.

Grace came back after about two hours. She smiled at her apologetically

"Thank you so much for covering for me. Carl kept fussing around so I have to hold him for the doctor to examine and see what's wrong."

"No worries. Dose little Carl feel better now？"

Carl was Grace's son. She had seen the baby several times and he was cute. Did not cry when she held him. Narcissa felt quiet proud about that because usually he refused anyone else holding him other than his own mother.

"I hope so. I left after he fell asleep. The doctor said if he can get some rest he would be better in the morning."

Grace sounded tired and worried.

"He will be fine. I am sure he will be the sweetheart again when you go see him."

Grace smile again and they said goodbye.

She looked at the clock in the hospital lobby when she was finally heading home.

2:55 a.m.

She walked out on the street. It was quiet. She looked up and saw the dark blue night sky. So dark that it felt like black, with lights behind. Like looking into the glass ink bottle. Intense and mysterious. Like something was hidden inside. Stars, the moon or someone's dreams.

She decided to walk home instead of Apperate. It was more fun. As if she earned herself some extra time to do nothing. She let her legs walk and her mind wonder. For the past several months, when she did walks like this, she picked one of her past memories and revived it.

They were in Diagon Allay. He was laughing. It may have something to do with the things she said or did. She did not really remember. He always laughed and she always was distracted by his sound. Oh, how much she loved that sound. She was sure if she was seriously sick one day his laugh alone can bring her back to live again. But now, even the memory of it made her chest tight. With both bitterness and longings.

She smirked to herself.

"Get yourself composed Narcissa. Don't be so pathetic."

Just then she heard a loud "bump". Someone hit the signal lamp. The man cursed loudly and tried but failed to keep his balance. He was obviously drunk. She watched him sway back and forth but still could not help and falling behind. She gasped and ran towards him, trying to stop him from hitting the ground.

She guessed she was still a little bit late. He looked at her for the briefest moment before passed out.

His hands tightly held hers back. She realised too late who he was.

XOXO

He did not feel good.

He had not been for months.

Mother told him it was because the cold he caught overnight. Maybe. Maybe not. He had never been sick because of that before.

There was nothing physically wrong with him. His work was good and he hang out with colleagues. His mother even arranged his engagement six months ago. He barely said anything about that. They were going to have a long engagement anyway and he just did not seem to care.

Maybe that was the thing.

He cared less and less now. He exercised, sometimes flew a bit over weekends. That was good. He was not the quickest or the eagerest in the Ministry but he finished all his work flawlessly. That was good. He was engaged now and his fiancee was beautiful. That was good. Even if he did not feel anything about her at least she was pleased to look at. Not that he cared.

He was not sick. He just did not feel well. He felt blank and boring. He felt indifferent.

But then, he suddenly thought, once upon a time I even found Diagon Alley fun. He felt himself chuckle. Silly.

"What are you laughing at?"

He felt someone clapping his arm and asking, also laughing.

"Nothing."

Though he still could not control himself from ginning.

He was laughing out loud now. Could not control himself. He felt his heart flip-flopping. He looked up to see the one who should be laughing with him. There was none.

He knew it was a dream. It had to be.

He suddenly felt tired. He sensed himself in a bed, with soft pillow and clean scent. Someone touched his hand. He opened his eyes.

Her eyes blue as sapphire. She seemed surprised and nervous. Her hands still cold.

"I dreamt of you."

He murmured under his breath, closed his eyes and signed before fell into sleep again.

 **A/N: I know this chapter is short...and I know the plot is slow...but there is the eight month gap and I don't want to rush things. But I promise things will more intense later. Hope to see review from anyone who is reading this~**


	4. Chapter 4

04\. Then woke up alone.

She knew she should have gone. But she didn't. Couldn't.

If she wanted to start regretting, then maybe she should not walk home in the very first place. Who knew it would be an inauspicious night for walking. But things happened, no matter what.

He was holding her hands. She never knew an unconscious man could have such strength. He was just drunk, nothing too serious. She side apperate him to St. Mungo. She knew in normal cases pure blood witches go see their private physicians. But in no way she would bring him back to Malfoy Manor and to his mother. The Black family's physician was also out of consideration. The circle was too small. People talk. She knew he did not like St. Mungo but she had no other choice.

Grace was surprised to see her again in less then an hour. She was even more surprised when Narcissa asked for an empty room. She looked at Narcissa and then the man who leaned on her, his head on her shoulder. He held one of her hand, her other hand on his waist.

She was confused.

"I met him on my way home. He was drunk and bumped into a signal lamp. No, no, don't worry, he was alright, I already checked. The thing is, can he stay here for sometime, that is, if we have an empty room or so that he would not need to lie on a hard cold chair and when he wake he can go—where ever that is?"

Grace looked at her and then looked at Lucius. She searched the hospital record and said,

"There is an empty room around the corner…"

She paused and there was the hint of hesitation,

"You do know it is against the hospital rule right? We are supposed to follow the procedures, you—we can't just let him use a patient room and—"

"I know I know, but he grasped me and since I was trying to help I can't really deserted him on the street, right?"

Even when she was saying that Narcissa knew how unconvincing she was. She could shake him up on the street and tell him to go home; she could bring him to the hospital, give him a potion right away or let him sleep on the chair. That is, if he was a stranger. She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes for a second. She was really exhausted right now and finding him an empty room was all she had in her mind. She smiled weakly at Grace.

Grace still did not seem convinced enough. She nodded slowly and said,

"I suppose not."

Then she helped Narcissa and Lucius get into the room at the corner of the ground floor. They settled him down on the bed and pulled the cover over his body. She was hesitating whether she should take off Lucius's shoes so that he could sleep better, when Grace said,

"It's really kind of you to do all these to him, as a stranger I mean."

Her voice was casual. It was not like she was actually suspecting something. But that was enough to alert Narcissa. She answered, maybe a little too quickly,

"Of course he is a stranger! Er…I mean, I am a nurse… so… responsibility calls."

Though she loved the sense of accomplishment when she saved or helped people, she never actually had thought much about that responsibility as helping a "stranger" on the street and she knew her voice was nervous and harsh.

Hopefully Grace didn't pay much attention,

"Whatever, it was late. I have to check on the patients. You'd better go home and really get some rest. I will see you the day after."

With that she left.

And so should she. Like how Grace had told her. Like how she had promised herself. But she didn't. She stayed in the room, holding his hands. She wanted to make sure he would be fine. She didn't wanted to leave him alone in a cold room.

But they really shouldn't see each other. Or, a better way to put it would be she really shouldn't see him. Thus, when she finally got herself out of the hospital, she apperated directly to her apartment.

She had a quick shower with the hottest temperature her skin could bear then changed into her pyjamas.

She tucked her bed and was ready for sleep.

She heard his murmur when she closed her eyes.

"I dreamt of you."

She felt the moisture of her eyes and blinked several times before closed them again. The room was dark and quiet. It was going to be a long night.

XOXO

He felt and remembered the presence of someone beside his bed. When he finally opened his eyes, there was none.

He sat up on the bed and closed his eyes once more. There was still some remained ghosts of his dream. It was a nice one. Though technically barely anything happened in that dream. He dreamt of himself sitting around a desk, playing cards. Someone grasped his arms and leaned on his body. Sometimes her hair would caress his temple or the top of his ear. Definitely a woman. He felt content and smiled. He could even smell the lightest perfume she wore. He did not recognise the scent. It was definitely not from his mother. Mrs Malfoy preferred something stronger and more feminine. It was also not from his fiancee, or from the other women that he knew. He could not say exactly the difference but it just felt wrong. Strange, when he really tried to think it was the name of Bellatrix that came to his mind. Bellatrix Black. Hell, where did that absurd association come from.

Finally he decided it was a waste of time and got up. He sat up in the bed and looked around. Everything around him seem to be white. White walls, white door, white cover and white bed. He had to be in a hospital. A small single room. But how…he did not know. He only remembered heading home. And drunk. His suit coat was hang on the chair and he only had his socks on. He looked down and saw his cleaned shoes being neat put in front of the bed, ready for him to wear. It was then he knew that it was not all dreaming because if it was him he always took both socks and shoes off and never bothered to prepare them for when he need them again.

There was a glass of hang over potion on the bedside table. Maybe it was a nurse who found him and put him on the bed. Since it was nearly noon he guessed she probably had already left. That could also explain why he found nobody with him but a bottle of potion. He dressed and drank the fluid before heading to the information desk. There was a nurse with black hair sitting behind the desk. He tapped on the desk and asked directly,

"Do you know who was the nurse that was on duty last night?"

The nurse who had a mouth too big for his appreciation eyed him suspiciously. When he did not answer but kept staring at her she glanced at the work schedule then answered,

"It was Grace. Grace Dennis."


	5. Chapter 5

05\. Life moved on

"Are you listening to what I am saying?"

Narcissa startled from half asleep by her mother's harsh voice. She was looking at her accusingly. She was tired. She had been extremely busy for the past week. Instead of recovering right away, little Carl had been sick for almost the next whole week. Thus, when Grace tried to spend more time taking care of her son, she had to switch shifts with Narcissa, which made it impossible for Narcissa to follow her own schedules. She had been working for over thirty hours during the past two days and had only had a few hours of sleep. Thus, when weekend finally came, she spent the whole day of Saturday sleeping. As she had expected, the Black family's owl arrived on Saturday evening with her mother's letter, asking why she hadn't been to Black Manor today. One of the rules that her mother set to all her daughters when they decided to move out the manor was that they must come back every week, specifically on Saturday, so they could spend more time with her and help her kill some time. However, as short tempered as her mother and both her sisters, their conservation too easily turned into arguments. Thus, after several times her sisters just stopped coming, which transferred all their mother's attention to her. Merlin knew, she could be persistent. She did not want her mother to feel abandoned so she kept coming. But sometimes, namely times like right now, she hoped she decided she had left for good just like her sisters.

Obviously her mother had ordered the owl to not go back without her reply for it stood stubbornly at her window and was making inpatient noises. She reluctantly wrote back, saying she was sorry and promised that she would go to see her and have lunch on Sunday. So here she was. Stilling sleepy after a day and a night's sleep and was listening absent-mindedly to whatever her mother was trying to say.

"So, as I was saying," Druella Black paused and looked pointedly at her daughter, making sure that she was following her sentence, "Really, Narcissa, you should go out more and make some friends."

"I have friends!" Narcissa protested immediately.

"Really? Care to tell me some of their names?"

She tried to say something but then decided against it. Her not having friends was one of her mother's favorite topic. She knew so many people surely some of them could be friends, depending on how you define "Friend". Her mother had that kind of smug smile again and she could not help but roll her eyes.

"Narcissa Black! You should never roll your eyes to other people! I taught you better than that! How would anyone want to marry you if you act like that!"

Oh, _Please_.

Recently her mother seemed to be obsessed with the idea of finding her a suitable husband. Narcissa didn't know who she had been talking to but obviously they talked about such things. Though Bella was engaged, Andy was still single and she was not even twenty anyway. Still, she would mention or imply such things every time when Narcissa was home. Someone she knew, someone she heard of. Some things about Crabbe, or Goyle, or even Evan Rosier, her own cousin. Strange she never mentioned Malfoy. She laughed silently without really knowing why.

"Anyway, the next monthly party will be held at the Notts'. I received our invitations yesterday. I want you to go and actually have someone with you this time."

She didn't argue and agreed to try. But when she appearated from the Manor she decided that if her mother really confronted her about her date, she would just grab the nearest single male she saw and use her gift in pretending. That is, if she actually went to that party.

XOXO

When the last few days of August quickly and quietly became the early days of September and then October, Lucius had almost forgotten his encounter on the later summer night with the blue eyes and blond haired woman.

Victoria stopped by the bar when he was having a regular night with his colleagues. It was bit earlier than eleven. He was obviously not drunk enough when she came. Someone called his name,

"Lucius! Your girl is here!"

For one second he didn't realize what he was talking about. He looked at the direction of the door. Victoria was in a light green dress which did not suit the environment of the pub but made her conspicuous in a good way.

He remained sit in his chair and watched her coming closer. She stood right in front of him. He could smell the perfume she was wearing. Feminine and mature.

"You didn't reply to my owl."

He looked at her and then looked at his drink, he raised one of his eyebrows and said,

"I didn't get your owl."

Victoria laughed bitterly,

"You could have used a better excuse."

He didn't answer that. He did get her owl and automatically ignored it. He did not want to continue this conversation because he could feel her accusing him and he was losing his temper quickly. He did not want to argue either. Even thinking of having an argument with Victoria was tiring. Neither he or she was that kind of person who would apologize, not even when they did realize that it was their own fault.

He knew he should have replied to her, even out of politeness. But he did not feel like doing that. If nothing, a Malfoy man was taught to do whatever they wanted. After becoming a Malfoy for several decades, even his mother was used to that. See how she found him a fiancée.

Victoria was in the same year as he was, also went to Hogwarts and was sorted in Slytherin. He might had heard her name and saw her occasionally at school, but then again, there were so many Slytherin girls, why not anyone else? He did not know which part exactly that his mother saw in Victoria. Her beauty? There are people who are more and much more beautiful than her. Her bloodline? Just one of the pureblood. Her family fortune? With the fortune the Malfoys have, they probably could even afford to marry a Weasley, not that he would in any case want to. They are all males anyway. The almost only and mostly immediate thing he could think of whenever think of Victoria was that he truly and utterly did not like her. While his mother seemed to really like her. He knew Victoria often attended the Malfoy's tea parties his mother throw once a while. May it be the influence of the alcohol, but he could not help but wonder how it would be like if he really tried to fight against his mother. A Malfoy against another Malfoy. No, a Malfoy against a former Rosier. A voice corrected him and he laughed out unconsciously.

"What are you laughing at?" Victoria scowled at him.

He scowled back,

"What do you want?"

"The October party would be held at the Notts'. Both of us are invited."

"I would be otherwise occupied."

"What—"

But she didn't get the chance to finish her sentence because Lucius suddenly changed his mind. He raised his left hand to silence her,

"Of course I will come. When would that be?"

"Starts at 7."

"I will be there. But" He added, looking pointed at her, "You leave me alone before that. No going outs, no owls, nothing. Deal?"

Victoria looked at him suspiciously,

"If I do so, you promise you will come?"

He nodded,

"If you do so." He was becoming impatient "Anything else?"

"No." She said slowly and cautiously.

"Alright then. Have a nice evening, Miss."

She stared at him but said nothing and turn to leave. That's why she didn't see his smirk.

He did promise to go. But he didn't promise what he would do or when he would leave.

After all, he was a Malfoy man and an Slytherin Prefect for nothing.

 **A/N: I know the plot feels like bullshit (maybe, hope it's not actually that bad...) but I want everything to be smooth. Say, they meet once,** **accidentally, if they do not know each other, it would only be a story that a beautiful lady saved me on night when I was drunk, if he ever remembers. And to Lucius, Narcissa _is_ a stranger so...but they _will_ meet again and more things will happen (hopefully)**

 **At first I only want to have a story in which Lucius always remembers Narcissa, like a man who never forgets the love of his life. But then I think, since his mother is the cause of the whole problem of remembering and forgetting in the first place, I may solve that as well. So now Lucius will remember Narcissa and they will have the blessing of his mother.**

 **I don't know how the way of having two aspects been working so tell me what you think and if you have any suggestions on structures~**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank Guests for your lovely reviews! Hope you also enjoy this one!**

06\. It doesn't matter

Isn't it weird, that when you hoping for something it was always the opposite that comes to you. The last few days before the party went extremely slow. Everyday Narcissa would promise herself that if any emergency occurred she would not go to the party for she would be too tired to do so. However, nothing happened during any of her shifts. The truth is, she was feeling a little bit boring and actually wanted to find something to do. Only a party was not among her options.

She knew who would come. Pureblood parties were always full of pure bloods, their arrogant selves and their cliché questions. They would greet with each other and in normal cases they would invite her for a dance. Then, as always, they will thank her and go for their next dances with someone else. Sometimes, if she was dancing with Rodolphus or Evans, they may have some drinks and would talk a bit. But still, only a bit. She did not know what to talk about, so she always asked 'how's everything' and they always answer 'the same', or, 'oh, you know things'. They would smile at her and she would smile back. But she actually did not know much things. She did not know their lives were like. She knew they liked parties, but she did not. Compare to parties, she preferred siting on her sofa reading or watching TV, or talk to Lucius when he did not need to attend. She was absent at most of the parties. She had graduated from school but had not been married, which means she would not be able to know the rumors at Hogwarts or hear about works and politics from a husband. Though she hated to admit, but just as her mother said, she barely had any friends.

She used to have her sisters. She stuck with them when they were still at Hogwarts. And when they left, she had Lucius. During her last year of Hogwarts, when she was on her own, she did not feel lonely. She and Lucius wrote to each other constantly. He became her best friend. Being with Lucius was different from being with her sisters. She loved her sisters, but like every sibling would do, she compare herself with them. They were gorgeous while she was pretty. They were so free will and knew so much and could talk with ease and fluency in front of people while usually she could only listen to people praise and agree with them. Sometimes, occasionally, when she talked with them about some of her opinions, they would call her their little sister and laughed how silly and naive her ideas were. She always felt that she was not good enough. But Lucius was different. Lucius did not judge. He teased but did not judge. He knew so many ways cheering her up and make her ignore her worries. He respected and helped her. He liked her. She had never told him but even writing his name was a comfort. He had a beautiful name. She could not wait to graduate so they could see each other instead of writing. But then, when her dream came true, she was literally and technically alone. She felt lonely. Most times se was fine staying with herself, but those times when she actually wanted to go out, she could think of no one to go with, or even to ask.

She remembered that one weekend when she went to Black Manor, her mother had a dark face and an opened magazine waiting for her. The same witch weekly she had on her dinning table. She knew what her mother wanted to talk about. There was an article listing the attractiveness of each pureblood witches. She did not know why but they apparently missed a few. Though she was not the only that were not included in that article, she was definitely one of them, she was even a black. "Ha. Somehow the Black sisters reduced from three to two." She thought bitterly and ironically to herself when she read about it at her dinner table. It was two months after she and Lucius 'broke up'. For the almost two year's time of their relationship, they kept it as a secret. Now it seemed that they did too good on that. She did not even tell her sisters, whose first instinct would be to kill him; or her mother, who would start planning a wedding right away. The article called Bella a Fiery Beauty, and Andy the Pop Queen, surely they had heard a bit how the Slytherin boys called her icy and surely they could come up with some nicknames. Maybe they just lost a page of their draft with unbelievably bad luck.

She sat there listening to her mother babbling on, using all the power she had to not let her tears down. She bit down her lower lip, her nails cut into her flash and managed to make some vague response indicating that she was listening. She hated her own tears.

Ever since then she stopped going to parties. She lied to her mother about attending and that she did not bring anyone with her so her mother could not confront her later. However, this time she actually hesitated. She wanted to find herself something to do. She was just afraid of what would happen if she actually goes. She did not have a date and it would be embarrassing to sit alone at the corner. But then, she reminded herself, maybe she could wear some heavy makeups and she would be fine… right? It's not like…like anyone…would notice…her.

She did not really know why, but on the afternoon of the party, she got so nervous that she could not help staring at the clock. One thirty…forty-five…Two…half past two…three…

"Is there anything wrong, Narcissa? You kept staring at the clock."

Narcissa got startled and turned to see Jennifer, her Matron standing behind her. She quickly glanced at the clock and then back at Jennifer. Three thirty, she still had half an hour until her shift ended then she had to decided whether to go to the party.

"Er… no. I am just a little bit tired. I am sorry."

"Oh. In that case, you can go home now and get some sleep. I do not want to see your tired face again on Monday." She said dismissively. Narcissi hesitated a few seconds before she stood up.

"And remember, I only allowed this because you have been working hard since you come here." Jennifer reminded her sternly, then winked.

Narcissa chuckled softly then nodded,

"I understand. Thank you vey much, Matron."

XOXO

Lucius arrived at 7:25. Sharp.

He would play the game, yes, so he was here. But he would play in his own way, so he was late. Not too late but late enough to miss the first dance. He enter the main hall at the beginning of the second dance. He grabbed a butter beer from the waiter and stood with Jonathan and watched the dancing pol nonchalantly.

Jonathan swayed his wine and smirked,

"I see your girl finds herself some company."

Lucius followed his direction and saw that Victoria, in a dark green dress, was dancing with Nott.

He felt angry, out of jealousy or annoyance he did not know. Victoria was apparently dancing happily with Nott, his hands on the small of her back and she was moving sensually. The fact that he did not like her did not mean she could flirt with another man, not at least when she was still namely his fiancée. However, when he dig into it, he felt if her occasionally flirt with someone else could leave him some time alone, he could not care less. But then… He did not know why, but Jonathan's comment about that Victoria was "his girl" made him comfortable. He scowled and snapped,

"She's not my girl. She's my fiancée."

"Oh, I am sorry. Your fiancée."

His tone showed quite the opposite. As if mockingly. He signed to himself. People never get it. He chose his girl while his mother chose his fiancée. But he's not going to argue that with Jonathan.

The dance ended when he went for his second butter beer. He would try something stronger when time comes. No rush.

People are coming for some drinks and rest. It was then he saw her. The girl he met on the summer evening, who he dreamt and woke up with.

She was in the middle of the crowd, being pushed by someone else but did not say anything. There are countless people in from of her but he caught her sight at his first glance. She was in a light blue dress, with matching necklace and ear rings. She had her hair in a maiden style which was cute. She was looking down and watching out to not step on someone else and somehow he thought he could see her long and dark eyelashes. Suddenly she looked up and her eyes darted to him. He could not breath. He felt his heart beats rapidly in his chest and he felt hot, all his blood went to his head and he felt dizzy. He did not know what to do so he just stared at her. She stared back. Her eyes as beautiful as always.

He wanted to turn around and ask Jonathan if he knew her, and what her name is, but felt he already knew it. It was a lovely name. But he could not speak or move but stand there. He heard Jonathan calling his name and finally decided to tell him to shut up when someone tripped her —

Before he realized he was beside her. He grabbed her arm to steady her. She muttered a soft "Thanks" with blushed face.

He could see her ear rings swaying slightly, occasionally touch her creamy shoulder. He could see her slender neck, her red lips and high cheek bone. He blurted out,

"Your name is not Grace."

She raised her eyebrow and a hint of smile at the corner of her lip,

"No. Are you looking for Grace?"

She sounded confused but amused. He smiled widely and answered confidently,

"No. I am looking for you."

Her heart skipped a beat. She could feel every single of her nerve tightening. He seemed nervous too, for he asked, breathlessly, in an almost inaudible voice,

"What is your name?"

She did not know how, but after seemed like forever, with him still staring at her intensely, she replied,

"It doesn't matter."

She could not just tell him like that and let everything start again. It was too painful.


	7. Chapter 7

07\. Can I buy you a drink?

Narcissa could not believe she went to the party. For most of the afternoon she sat and debating whether she should go. When she was finally too disturbed to go over the to go and not to go question, she put on the dress she had chose for herself and left before she could regret. And there she saw Victoria. She knew her at school. Victoria was a year older than her and was no doubt a beautiful girl. More than once had she heard boys talking in the common room about how to get her attention. She knew Victoria was Lucius's fiancée. They had been engaged for over six months now. Somehow she had already got the news before Bella told her. Bella did not like her, said that Victoria had been a shameless bitch when she was still at school. Something about her flirting with and winking at Rodolphus. She could not help but smiled at her sister's obvious hatred towards Victoria. It felt like she was supporting her, though Bella knew nothing about her secret. Actually she felt conflict about knowing how things were going on about Lucius, especially something like his engagement, and with a girl other than her. She wanted to know that he was doing well, that he was happy and she would give him all her wishes if that would ever help. But not, and never his happiness with another girl, another female. It made her doubt what she had shared with him, those most precious memories she kept deep down in her heart. She had wanted to be the one who brought him happiness. Upon hearing the news, she was angry at the first instinct, though she managed to show it as if she was just astonished and commented that it was hard to believe a man like Lucius got himself a fiancée. But no matter how hard she tried, she could not hide the jealousy she had in her tone and she could even taste the bitterness on her tongue.

Even on an occasion like this, when everyone was dressed up, Victoria was still astonishing. She wore a dark green dress, which suited absolutely every inch of her curves. Her ample breasts and slim waist, her round hip and slender legs. She looked down at herself. Her breasts were small. Bella always laughed and said that those made her look more girlish. She blushed out of embarrassment remembering those, and finished the rest of her butter beer in one gulp.

May it be the effect of alcohol, but she wondered, that if Victoria was here, did that mean Lucius would also be here? But seeing that she was currently dancing with Nott, maybe Lucius had not arrived yet? She searched quickly around the room and saw no sign of him. She released a breath she did not know she was holding. It was true that she wanted to see him, but she did not want him to see her because she did not know how to react if he ever saw her.

That Sunday, on which she was suppose to meet with Lucius, she got an owl from his mother instead of seeing her boyfriend. Inside the envelop were some photos of her and Lucius, along with a note saying that she hopes she could realize that she is just a nobody and Lucius would not remember her anymore.

It was a little bit weird. Her sensitive nerve caught the slight difference in the structure of the sentence, mixed with arrogance and pride. She could understand if she said that he could never talk to her again or not see her again but what did it mean that he would not remember her anymore? It was not like she could just erase his memories. But then, as a nurse, she did know several potions that could effectively erase people's memories but was not sure a mother would use such thing on her own child. In fact she could understand his mother's intention and that was one of the reasons that she did not want their relationship to be public. Her family was not really an equal match to the Malfoy. In stories it was all about love and romance but in reality the power and connections behind the family count, especially to a family as powerful as the Malfoys. Lucius did not think much about that. To him, family fortune means that he had the ability to marry whoever he wanted and could provided her with whatever she wanted. Since he also had the ability to maintain and expand his family fortune, he never really worried or thought about who he should or should not fall in love with. Though he might not care, she did and was especially sensitive when she was the one that was short on money. She looked down at the letter. There was smell of fire on the paper.

Narcissa saw Lucius once after that, before the time on the street. He was in Diagon Allay one afternoon and she was pretty sure he had seen her. His eyes caught hers for some time, maybe a few seconds. Long enough to make out the figure from that far distance. But he did not show any sign of recognition. It was then her doubt became solid. She was almost sure that his mother gave him something to make sure she no longer be a part of his life. She did not have proof, but she knew as a woman. A woman to a woman.

Absolutely she did not like that. She hated what his mother had done, so much. But what could she do? She knew he had forgotten. She knew it was his mother who made the decision. And by doing this she showed clearly that she did not want any further connection between Lucius and her. She knew at the first place it would be hard. Being in a relationship might be easy but when it came to latter and more serious questions, it would be hard. His mothering showing herself on the opposite side with her made it harder. She almost had no other choice but to move on. It was not like she could have a debate with Mrs. Malfoy and accuse her with reasons of hurting her. What a naive and Mary-Sue thought. She never thought herself as someone who was persistent. She knew when she should disappear, or at least when she still could. But then, she had to see him, there on the street and here at the party. It was too overwhelming.

She was still deep in thought when the suddenly music ended and everyone was going for some drink. She was pushed by one or the other and had to watch her feet to not step on anyone else. Somehow she felt as if someone was looking at her. She looked up and saw him, staring at her. She could not react but stood there and staring him back. Then got herself tripped.

Suddenly everything seemed to be rushing. He came to her, helped her up and asked what her name was. She did not tell him but when he grabbed her hand and lead her out of the crowded hall of Nott Manor, she let him.

"It's finally better. I almost thought I would suffocate inside."

He grinned and she could not help but giggle.

He did not try to say anything more, nor did she. They stood quietly under the dark sky. She did not tell him her name because to her, or to them, name carried too much intimacy. When he said her name, he was not referring to anyone, anyone else who might have the name Narcissa. He was calling her. Once he told her, when he was too drunk to care or remember what he said, he told her that sometimes, when he was alone, he would say her name. When he closed his eyes, he would see her hair, her eyes, the angle of her neck when she turned around to see him or turned away to see anything else. He could hear her laughs in his mind, feel her cold finger touching his wrist, her head leaning on his shoulder and her breath tickling him. He no longer remembered those now but she was afraid, too afraid that if she told him her name, what actually was she telling him and what would come next, to him, to her, or, even, to them.

She watched his long blond hair caressed his face in the soft night wind. He turned a little and looked at her. In a split of second she thought he caught her watching him and felt her stomach ache. But he only grinned again and asked her,

"Do you mind having a little walk?"

They ended up in a small bar.

The bar should be fifteen minutes of walk from the front gate of Notts Manor, maybe twenty, or even half an hour. Narcissa was not sure. To her, it felt like five seconds. Only long enough to figure out the ambiguous closeness between hers and Lucius's shoulder. They weren't touching. Although she could clearly and easily his sound of walking. The sound of her heels touching the stone road echoed with his lower pitched ones. They did not talk. They did not need to. All she wanted was to walk. With him. With Lucius. She did not remember the soft wind mixed with the sweet smell of the night, nor the bright bright stars shining above their heads. She felt like she was walking on her own heartbeat. One. Two. Three. A dizzy and unbelievably fantastic dream. She was on a stolen adventure with him, her forgotten love. She was sure at that time she would do anything he said and tell him anything he wanted to know. He should ask her name now.

XOXO

It was a quiet bar. The lights were dim and the music was slow. There were barely anyone in that bar but with the music on, conservations were safe from being eavesdropped.

They sat at the corner of the bar. Him facing the greyish wall with her sitting on his right side, her elbow on the desk while her hand supporting her chin. He was looking at her while her eyesight seemed to be somewhere between him and the other end of the desk. Maybe she was looking at a certain point on the floor, where the lights shaped a perfect shade, or maybe she found something floating in the air and was trying to understand the meanings of dust. Then she looked at him. A small smile slowly appeared on her lips and from the inside of her eyes. Her eyes were dark blue and he could see the flicking and reflecting of lights there. She smiled again and asked,

"Do you want something to drink?"

He snapped his fingers and called for two bottles of butter beer.

XO

They talked. About nothing and everything. It was the second that they met each other, and he remembered every moment of those. Or maybe not every minute, since he was asleep for not a very short time. But it still amazed him that they could talk like this. They talked about how exciting but tiring being a nurse was and how boring the Ministry could be. They talked some politics and of course rumors. He had never talked with someone else like that. He was too arrogant to talk much. He knew that. At the very beginning of their engagement, when he and Victoria could still sit down and hold a conservation, they talked about fashion and jewelry, about fashions and parties. They also talked about rumors. But even that was different. Victoria would tell him about the dramas her friends had in their lives, how they played those tricks to marry someone, how they told lies to cover their secrets or how suddenly two good friends became enemies. But with Narcissa, he would tell her something like, "You know, though Rodolphus refused to admit, he had fancied Bellatrix since his third year." or the disturbingly conflicting ways of Rookwood showing his emotions towards one of the Slytherin girls.

He could not find the perfect word to describe or explain how different talking with Narcissa felt. He could only say that he felt at ease, which was something he had never experienced before. He did not need to purposely find a topic. They could talk about anything. He would tell her anything. As if he had known her for a long time and he would be willing to share more, if she hadn't gotten bored. She was a good listener. Always paying enough attention to whatever he talked about. Most of the time she would look at his eyes, some other times, she was look at his face. He could feel her eyesight travel from his lashes to his cheekbones, the bridge of his nose, his lips, his jaws and sometimes his fingers and palms. She was observing him in a smoothing way. Sometimes she would smile at him and for those splits of seconds, which seem to be too long compared with their definition, he felt the lack of oxygen which was confused by his rapid and strong heartbeat and thought about the absurd word romance.

It was ridiculous because he did not think that for the more than twenty years of his life, he had ever believed the word, or its meaning actually existed. Romance was too emotional and conditional. How could he feel something like that on a woman he only met twice, who he was sitting with in a bar and had a name as common as—

It was then that he realized he still did not know her name. He thought for a second and cleared his throat,

"I'm Lucius. What's your name?"

He stared at her. Her smile disappeared and her face was paling at an observable rate. He was observing her. He could see her bite down hardly on her lower lip which was now as white as her face and she closed her eyes. When she spoke again her voice became distant, as if he was here at the bar while she was still at the party back at Nott Manor,

"It doesn't matter."

She made telling him her name like revealing an unforgivable secret. He was suddenly angry and snapped more harshly than he intended,

"I saw you in the hospital, on my way home and on a party. And now we are sitting here at this pub talking for Merlin knows how long. And I still don't deserve a name?"

He was almost shouting at the end. He did not know why he felt so angry. It was just a name. She looked frightened. Her lips trembled and he could almost see tears in her eyes.

He relaxed and said in a much softer, almost coaxing way,

"Well I just want to have a brief introduction. That's all."

She looked at him and murmured,

"Narcissa. My name is Narcissa."

"Well, Narcissa," he smiled slowly and brightly, as if tasting her name on his lips, the tip of his tongue touched his upper jaw then fell back, he asked, "Can I buy you a drink?"


	8. Chapter 8

08\. I met you once, I met you twice

Narcissa sat in a small pub near St. Mungo, thinking about all the going ons within the last week. Less than a week ago she met Lucius at the October Party. They talked and drank. At the end of the night, they bid goodnight. Not farewell. It felt like old times. When they were still at Hogwarts, when it was nearly curfew and they had to be separated, he would squeeze her hand and kiss her softly on her forehead. She had wanted to say not only goodnight but also good morning because she knew she would not have the opportunity to do so. But she didn't. It was too sentimental even for her. She was also afraid that would frighten him. Though Lucius Malfoy always gave people the feeling of arrogant and indifferent, he was actually very sensitive. He could catch the slightest evidences. When he was looking at her in the darkness, she felt the burning going through her upper body. She could feel her pulse at her temple. She was so sure that if she had said even one more word, she would blurt all the secrets to him.

She had never doubted once about his love. He loved her. Though he was not a person who would talk about love or romance. She had a feeling that he did not believe things like destiny, or about the right one, or about déjà vu and reunions, but whenever she talked those romantic stories or movies with him, he would always listen. He accepted her hobbies and preferences. His full attention was all she wanted.

But all those were in the past. Now he was her taboo. His mother had made the decision that she was not the right person for him, that she was not good enough. Before she had been with Lucius, she was content to be alone. Though she had also wished for the happiness of being with another, she preferred to be alone. When she was with herself, she did not need to worry about doing something she did not like. If she wanted to rest, she lie on her bed, if she was feeling a headache, she could loose her hair and did not need to hold a forced smile on her face. She would not judge herself and could do whatever she wanted. She felt free with herself.

Then, suddenly, there was Lucius. She had known Lucius Malfoy for a long time by then. She did not know how or when but suddenly she was talking with him. They would greet each other. They would go shopping together at Hogsmeade when they need the same thing. She was surprised that no one seem to notice. No one teased her. It was not like that she intentionally showing off her closeness with Lucius either. During the Thanksgiving of her fifth year, when they went home for vocation, Lucius sent her an owl, complaining how boring he was alone at Malfoy Manor. He teased her about her bad jokes and said that somehow he missed them. When she came back to school, he picked her up at the station. He took her to The Three Broomsticks for a glass of butter beer that night and they told each other every bit of their holiday. On that Christmas, he sent her a delicate sliver necklace with her initials wrapped in a light blue box and a letter started with "My girl". She replied the letter, mentioning nothing about the nickname he gave her, but ended it with "yours, Narcissa". Capital Y.

Even now, when she recalled how everything happened, she could still feel how happy she was. She had had worries at that time but whenever she was with Lucius, when he looked at her, when he held her hand and smiled at her, her worries disappeared. She was absolutely the happiest woman in the world. It was not until she saw Lucius smiling at her across the crowd that she realized she was smiling.

Today was a girls' night for nurses. St. Mungo held girls' night four times a year. It was kind of the welfare of the hospital. There are so many girls in the hospital that were too busy working to really to go out and meet other people. There are 23 girls in Narcissa's department, and 13 of them are single. In whatever sense, girls' night was always relaxing and fun. She actually was not sure why she was here. There were lots of things that she did not quite understood recently. Sometimes she felt that she was a stranger to herself. That she would have those impulses to do certain things all of a sudden. For example, going to the October party, or, go out with the girls on a celebrating night.

She sat and talked with the girls for some time before they went for drinks or dances one by one, until she was sitting by her own. She finally decided that since she was already here, it would be better if she made use of the night and have some fun. She was one her way to the dancing pool when she felt a hand on her shoulder. A too familiar voice behind her ear,

"Good evening, Narcissa"

XO

Of course she would see him here. The pub was within five minutes walk from the Ministry. Actually she wasn't that surprised. She was in wizard world, wizards were meant to met. If she could meet him once, she could meet him twice. But when she turned around, staring right back into his eyes, her throat felt extremely dry,

"I-I was going for some drink. Do you want some?"

"Sure," he smiled brightly and asked, "What do you want?"

Usually she would have butter beer, considering she was a light head herself, but tonight she wanted something fiery. So she asked for some Fire Whiskey. He ordered the same for himself. They got their drink and found another place to sit.

He sat beside her and put the cups on the desk. She felt guilty. She felt she was lying to him. About who she was and about his past. He looked confused. She wanted to comfort him, hug him and being hugged. She wanted to tell him that everything would be fine, juts like how he had told her. She wanted to tell him that he could tell her anything and maybe she would also tell him. But she couldn't. She did not know what consequences would those revelations bring. Would he believe her? Would that be too much for him? Or, what if his mother was right, that they were not suitable for each other and maybe even him did not want to date her now. She was too deep in her thoughts that when she looked up, she found him looking at her. Again with that kind of exploring curiosity in his eyes. She felt unease. His piercing observation was too plain and straight forward that she felt he could see through her darkest secrets. She blushed and lowered her head. He chuckled.

"What is your working schedule next week? I am thinking we could go somewhere."

"Is this a date?" She meant to ask as a tease but was not sure if she succeeded.

"Can it be?" He asked. He raised one of his eyebrow but sounded a little bit nervous.

Merlin forgive her. She swallowed and bit her lip,

"I do have a boyfriend you know."

XOXO

Lucius was sitting in his favorite chair at Malfoy Manor. It was Sunday afternoon. A perfect time to go home. Victoria sat in another armchair beside him. House elves brought them cookies and tea. The weather was not too cold but the sky was gloomy.

His mother sipped some tea and declared,

"You look better son."

She beamed at him. He raised his eyebrows but did not answer. He did feel better. He slept better at nights and actually felt refreshed when he woke up. He felt energy again and had a good idea why. Though he guessed the good mood of his mother was more out of the tea she had. House elves at Malfoy Manor had excellent control when it comes to tea. They knew exactly how many leaves to put in, which cup would be suitable and when was the perfect time to present them so it would not be too hot or too cold. It was also a present from Victoria.

As if she knew what he was thinking, she asked,

"How was the party last Saturday, dear?"

She wasn't asking directly but he knew what she was implying. Malfoys did not care about how parties went. They attend and they leave. If there was anything serious, she would have known. Her only reason asking that was for him to say how things went with Victoria. Maybe she was trying to do it in more subtly but he caught it anyway. He actually hated that more. If she wanted to know something, she could ask him. There was no need to play hide-and-seek. It was not like she would just give up if he pretended he did not understand.

"It was fine."

"Fine?" He could clearly hear the unsatisfying in her tone, since he did not give her what she wanted. "What do you mean? Did you two have a good time?"

He didn't answer and after a moment of silence Victoria replied,

"It was great. We met lots of old friends and really enjoyed it."

He was almost certain Victoria would complain to his mother about his absent. He even thought about his reply ahead. It was not like she hadn't enjoyed herself dancing with Nott. But she didn't so he also kept his mouth closed. He didn't talk much during the whole tea time, only some necessary responses. His mind was occupied with other things.

After dessert, when Victoria went to the bathroom, his mother turned to him and said in a hushed voice,

"I don't know what's going on between you and Vicky, but I hope you can solve it. She is a good girl." It was not the usual demanding tone that she always used. She sounded almost sincere. "And, most importantly, I want you to be happy."

May it be the delicious soup they had over dinner, but he felt something about his mother that he hadn't felt for years. When he was still a little boy, she would talk to him in that tone and ask him how his days went or had he been back to good terms with his friends again. He nodded and promised,

"Don't worry mother. We will talk."

They did.

On their way out, Lucius stopped Victoria, asking if she had sometime. They went to the other wing of Malfoy Manor and sat in the warm living room.

When they both had their coffee, he said,

"You are a good girl, Victoria."

She looked at him, not sure where he was going so she decided to talk something she knew.

"I did not see you at the party."

As soon as she said that, she knew she had chosen a bad topic. Lucius smirked and said sarcastically,

"It didn't seem to affect you enjoying your dance with Notts though."

She looked at him with widen eyes. She and Notts only had one dance. She did not see him before or after the dance. But how…

Lucius did not wait for her response. Before she could sort everything out he said,

"I don't think we should remain engaged."

"It's not like that, Nott and I—"

"It's not about Nott."

"Surely you don't think —"

She tried to explain but he suddenly snapped,

" _I think_ ," he stopped and looked at her, changed into a softer but firmer tone, "that if we engage, it should be because I choose to be engaged with you. But I don't. So I don't see why we should continue this relationship anymore."

Victoria snorted,

"Lucius, don't be naive! We are purebloods, we don't choose our marriage."

He didn't answer that but didn't seemed effected by her words either. He sat there and suddenly became very interested in his nails.

Victoria's face paled. She held the warm cup of coffee in her hand and said,

"You can't be serious Lucius! My father—your mother—what would people say?" she accused, but he still didn't move and she was began to really panic, "we had such a big party, everyone knew about our engagement. What would they say if we suddenly end it? Even if you don't think for me, think for whoever you—you _choose_ to engage! What would people say about her?"

She was almost desperate when Lucius finally looked up at her. He clapped his hands on his lap and said, dismissively,

"We will think of a way."

XO

That night, when he lay on his bed, he remembered his previous conservation with Narcissa.

When he tried to ask her out she didn't agree immediately, as he had expected. Instead her smile disappeared, just like last time when he asked her name, she then said in her unique hushed voice,

"I do have a boyfriend you know."

He laughed, didn't take it seriously,

"But you just told me you don't."

"I am a cheeky witch you see." She smiled a little but there was no hint of naughtiness in her voice. Even her smile was tired. He looked at her, his eyes narrowed and brows knitted, then he smirked,

"Nah. You don't have a boyfriend." He sounded so confident, like a detective who never went wrong with his observations and conclusions. But Merlin knows how nervous he actually was.

"And, why is that?" She asked softly and slowly, her head askew.

He looked around quickly then fixed his attention again on her,

"You see…It's one o' clock in the morning and he hasn't been here, picking you up or checking on you. Actually there is nothing proving his existence."

She didn't answer right away, obviously thinking about his words.

"Maybe he is busy."

"Maybe he is, but I will anyway if I were your boyfriend." He was not sure if it was inappropriate of him to say that. If it was, she did not show it. Her face was totally blank, as if all emotions were hidden away. Under the dim light of the pub, her face was unusually white.

"But you are not."

He felt he was drowned into her eyes, which was looking directly into his. He answered almost unconsciously and absolutely reluctantly,

"No. No, I am not."

The music was loud now and neither of them was was able to say anything.

When he signed and turned in his bed, he wondered when he could see her again.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: _Dream_

09\. You caused me fever

Despite how much she wanted, Narcissa didn't agree with meeting Lucius again, at least she didn't give him an exact time. But if they ever encountered each other again somewhere, who was she to deny him.

Narcissa did not see Lucius the next day, nor the day after. She hadn't seen him for three days. It felt like three weeks already. She was on her way home when she found him leaning on the wall behind a signal lamp, the same one which he had bumped into before. He tried to not catch any unnecessary attention. He wore a dark grey cloak. His head low and his hair tied into a ponytail. It was the familiarity of his back that caught her attention. The way he tied his hair, the shape of his scapula when his hands were in his pockets and the indistinctive outline of his lean form. She stopped and hesitantly called his name,

"Lucius?"

He abruptly straightened his form and turned around.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

He smiled sheepishly,

"I was… I was trying to find my cigarette." he knitted his brows and muttered, "But maybe I forgot them somewhere else."

It was not necessarily a lie. He was trying to find his cigarette when she called his name. Only that could not explain why he would be at this place, beside a signal lamp in the first place. Truth is, he was waiting for her. He did not know where did she live so he could not owl her. He knew her name and her working place but he did not go to St. Mungo. Hospital was always crowded and he did not like the smelling of it. It felt sick. He did not know what helped him decide but in the end he figured that waiting for her here was a good idea since that was where he first met her. Now he thought about it that was absolutely stupid. Her walking this way could be totally a coincidence and she might never ever choose this way again. He was still berating himself for his recklessness when he heard Narcissa's voice,

"How long have you been here?"

She looked at him, his cheekbones red while his lips white. It was almost November and was freezing outside. She figured he was waiting for her and could not stop the sweet feeling that warmed her heart. It was very uncharacterized of Lucius to wait for someone, let alone in cold, but here he was, waiting for her.

He glanced down at his watch. It was too dark outside so he simply didn't bother, he mumbled,

"I got off work before six and Jeffery—I think I caught a fever."

"You—" Narcissa was a step slow reacting to his sudden change of subject, "Are you feeling sick?"

"Of course I'm not." He denied quickly, not liking the phrase of being sick, but when he felt her cold fingers touching his forehead, he paused, "Er… but I am not feeling very well either. I guess I may have caught cold somehow. Head throbbing."

Her palm tested the temperature of his forehead. It was a little bit high. She looked at him and said,

"Then maybe we should go to the hospital."

"I don't want to go to the hospital." He said coyly, sounded like a little boy who does not want to go to school. When they were still at Hogwarts and were acquaintances to each other, she had overheard him shutting down other's concerns about his well beings. He wouldn't even give them the opportunity to put forward the option of the hospital wing. Later when they were together, at those rare times when he did not feel well, namely times he got injured in Quidditch practices, he would act spoilt and give her all those excuses why they should not go there. She found that strangely sweet.

"Crowded. The potions smell disgusting and the nurses never know how to treat a patient properly." He made a face while listing all those reasons.

Even his excuses didn't change.

She smiled and asked in a teasingly accusing way,

"Well, well, I am also a nurse. Did I just hear you complaining about us being unprofessional?"

He raised one of his eyebrows and smirked,

"Why, of course not you. I was just talking about the others."

"Then let's go to the hospital. I will give you the honor and adopt you myself." She patted his arm and tried to turn back to the direction of the hospital while he grabbed her waist.

"Can't we go to your place so that we can have a better environment?"

She raised her eyebrows and narrowed her eyes. He put up his hands and said quickly,

"It's just to help me you know, and I promise I will behave."

Even if she tried her best, Narcissa didn't think she could come up with a good enough reason to refuse him, let alone she didn't even want to think at all. He sounded all kinds of sincere, all kinds of fragile that she wanted to take him home right away. But there was still the weakest voice warning that it might not be a very good choice. She felt his hands again on her shoulder. His voice low on the top of her head.

"I feel dizzy, Narcissa."

"All right," she finally muttered, voice too low that it was more for herself than for him, "But only because you are having a fever."

XO

Upon arriving her apartment, Narcissa went into her bedroom to grab the thermometer that was in her bedside table. When she came out, Lucius was lying comfortably on her sofa. His eyes closed and his forearm on his forehead. She sat beside him and touched his arm,

"Lucius, put this in your mouth."

He opened his eyes and did what she said. During the several minutes that thermometer needed to show the number they did not talk. In the corner of her eyes she saw him looking up at the ceiling.

His temperature was not too bad. She told him to rest and drink more water. He grabbed her wrist again, for the second time that night.

"Will you stay with me?"

"You will be fine Lucius. My thermometer never goes wrong. I promise you you will be fine after a night's warm sleep."

"I won't."

She finally turned to look at him and into those unreadable eyes of his. There was something in those dark grey whirlpools, though she did not know exactly what that was. She was about to ask when he sat up, never letting her wrist go,

"I had a nightmare." he was moving closer and closer. They were dangerously close, merely inches apart now. She could even smell the peppermint in his breath and was worried if he could hear the bumping of her heartbeat. She knew something was on the way of happening but she could not move and he went on,

"I think you can help me with that."

"How?"

Instead of answering her question, he leaned in and closed their distance with a kiss.

XOXO

 _He was walking, pacing, from the front door of Malfoy Manor to the edge of the trees. His cat was lost. He had that before he went to Hogwarts. It was a cat in its middle age. Thought sometimes the cat liked to wonder around, it would always be back when it was time for dinner. The cat liked sardine or those dry fish that was specially made by house elves. But it was now well past nine and he hadn't seen that cat yet. He called its name and had no response. One of the house elves said that it saw the cat around the edge of the forest, which was also the place it had disappeared last time he decided to went on an adventure. So, that was why he was walking forth and back between the manor to the forest trying to find him. It was a white cat, from head to the tip of its tail, so it should be obvious among the Malfoy Manor, of which mostly are in a darker tone. However, since it was dark outside, he doubted its fur color would do itself much favor._

 _That could be why he hadn't found it till now. It was totally dark outside, only the lamps along the rode gave out some dim light. He rushed back to the manor. His mother sat on her armchair reading the latest Daily Prophet._

 _He didn't bother change his shoes and was sure he left traces of muds. He didn't care, house elves could fix that later. He stood in the middle of the living room, a perfect potion to see the indifference on his mother's face. As if the rumors on page six was much more important than his cat._

 _"Mother!" he snapped, "I couldn't find it!"_

 _"By it you mean what?" His mother asked absentmindedly, didn't even brother to look up from the Daily Prophet._

 _He felt anger rising up in his chest, he snapped. How could she ask that? Didn't she care? It was his favorite cat! It was his only one! And yet she was acting as if its disappearance was no more important than reading some journalists bullshitting gossip!_

 _Well, he snorted loudly and rolled his eyes forcefully. His mother scowled at him nut he did not care. If she did not want to help him there was someone else would. She was searching the other part of the manor and maybe his cat was lying contently in her embrace right now. He walked out of the living room without a word._

 _Things were a little bit strange. Actually a little bit would be an underestimate. Instead of the bushes and large mental gates that he had known belong to the Malfoy Manor since he had his memory, in front of him was an ocean. A real ocean of which waves hitting the beach and the cold night wind brought the salty smell of the sea. Most of his surroundings was dark, but under the yellowish light of the moon he could see the reflections of the surface of the sea. It's moving slowly and sensually, like fingers tracing down some curly hair, or the curves of someone. Then it became more violent and was clapping on the beach forcefully. He saw someone standing in front of him, even from the behind he could tell that she had her arms crossed. Her whole body stiff. Obviously she was not in a good mood. He narrowed his eyes. Oh, as if who hadn't had a bad day!_

 _She turned around. Her blond hair swept her shoulder. She looked at him but refused to say anything. She held her chin high and tight. Every curve showed that she was in a defensive gesture. He was suddenly impatient again._

 _"What are you doing here?"_

 _She didn't answer right away but glared at him. He was babbling so quickly that even himself could not tell what he actually was saying. He only knew that with every word they were saying to, or maybe shouting at each other, they were also closing the distance between them. Then, when the were close enough, her facial feature suddenly changed. The moon was hidden in the cloud now but somehow he could see her more clearly. He saw the hurt along the line of her jaw, over the shape of her lips and the in deep of her eyes. His heart throbbing._

 _She looked up at him and whispered, voice full of grievance and fear,_

 _"Is that you don't want me anymore?"_

 _He was shocked at first. What did that come from? What was she talking about? He was furious. That was the most, The MOST ridiculous thing he had ever heard. He snapped at her,_

 _"Who said I don't want you anymore?"_

 _She blinked at him once more and threw herself into his embrace with all her strength and cried. She cried like a baby._

 _Last second he was thinking that the left upper part of his shirt, right where his heart beat was absolutely soaked by her tears and how little he cared about that, the next moment he saw a huge wave coming to their direction. The sea was roaring. She was not aware of that. He did not know why but he could not move either. He tried to scream, tried to warn her, but he couldn't._

 _He could not breath._

He snapped his eyes open. Breathing heavily. His heart ache.

He blinked at his pale ceiling.

He had never had any cats at home. Her mother hated animals like dogs, cats or even birds. Though he remembered that he would occasionally fed some cats, it had been when he was still at Hogwarts. He did not know whose cat it was, maybe a lost one. He did not know its name. He did not know why that creature would be in his dream. The dream did not make any sense but somehow it felt real. He could hear her cracked voice in his head again and again. The whole scenario too real that he could still feel his hands numb but shaking. He licked his lips. His mouth dry. There were sweet on his forehead.

He felt tired. His limbs were weak. When he caught his breath, instead of telling his mother, he wanted to see Narcissa.

He had a nightmare.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Thank Guest for your lovely review! You literately brightened my day! Also thanks to those who followed, favourited and read my story! Lots of love here~

10\. To fight a ghost.

Narcissa had always thought Monday was the worst day of a week. It was the first day after weekend, she had not yet recovered from the freedom she enjoyed over the past two days while after Monday there were another four more days waiting for her. But today, when she was woken up by her alarm, before she closed her eyes to get one more minute sleep and try to think her schedule and everything else, she turned to look at her window. Just like she had expected, there was an owl waiting patiently outside her window. Upon seeing her, the slender greyish owl stepped closer and lifted its right leg, showing her the new message it brought.

Narcissa could not help the grin on her face. She bit her lips and jumped from her bed to get the letter.

 **I hate Monday. I have to go to the Ministry at 7:59.**

 **—LM**

She giggled. One of the good things of magic is that you can literally go to work at the last minute, which was exactly what Lucius was planning to do. Unlucky for him, her work started at 7:30, so she wouldn't be able to reply his message after 7:29.

 **Cheer up big boy. My day starts half an hour earlier.**

 **—NB**

When she came out from the bathroom fifteen minutes later, his reply was already waiting for her. She wondered if he had pushed the owl too much. Although their departments weren't far away, his response speed via mail was still impressive.

 **Damn. It takes forever for the letters to arrive. Are you sure I can not stop by your place for breakfast? I will bring bread and coffee.**

 **—LM**

She could tell from his writing that he was not happy about that. The handwriting was in a rush. He had mentioned more than once about "stopping by and have breakfast", said that they could talk more. Now he knew her address, which then reminded her of the night when he waited her on her way home and asked for comfort for his nightmare. The night of which he kissed her.

Narcissa was sure she would remember the kiss the whole rest of her life. It was soft. His forehead touched hers. She could see his eyes, his grey stormy eyes half laid. She could feel them on her lips. Then he closed his eyes and leaned in. He kissed her. Gently on the lips. No tongue or nibbles involved. It was a pure kiss, an innocent one, just one for comfort. When he broke the kiss, he signed contently with closed eyes, his forehead touched the place where her neck meets her shoulder. She ran her fingers through his silky hair and slightly massaged his skull. They stayed like that for hours until she could no longer feel her legs. He stood up and kissed her on the cheek before she could say anything. He mumbled at the corner of her month,

"I hate saying goodbye."

He skipped that part as he had always done, and the very next morning, she was greeted morning by his owl.

She put her bread into the toaster then sat in front of her desk to write her reply.

 **We already talked that Lucius. Anyway, I have to go. You have a nice day!**

 **—NB**

She looked at the clock, it was 7:15. She had to leave in less than 15 minutes. Even though she said that in her letter, she would sure that he would reply anyway. He preferred to be the one who finished the conservation.

She watched the second hand of her clock turned 7:28 into 7:29 when his letter finally arrived.

 **Have to get two "Message Book" they sell in Diagon nowadays. Mails just can't do!**

 **—LM**

She knew the notebook he mentioned. It was a convenient chat book that can deliver messages. It was no difference between letters, only the message book was much faster. If Lucius left her a message on his book, she could immediately see his handwriting on her own. Once the message was read, she could choose to keep it or to delete it. She could also set a curse on it so that no one but her could see what was written in the notebook. She replied his suggestion with a silent smile.

That evening, when she returned home from work, she got a wrapped envelop with one of the notebook he had talked about in the morning. When she opened it, there was already a message on it.

 **I went to Diagon Allay today and found this one. Hope you like the color.**

 **—LM**

The notebook was purple, the colour of Violet. Her favorite color was blue, though she always said green whenever she was asked. However, this purple was simply great.

 **You certainly have great taste. How was your day?**

 **—NB**

 **Of course** **.**

 **My day hasn't ended yet. Have to stay in office tonight, taking extra shifts for the stupid wizard.**

 **—LM**

Recently there were several severe cases happened in wizard London. The Ministry didn't give out too much information. But from the articles on various newspapers, there had been three murders and two badly injured. Everyone is in a state of anxiety so the Ministry decided to have Aurors and other Ministry staffs step up patrols. They also claimed that they had got the profile of the suspect and would soon give a press briefing.

 **We really appreciate your protection, Auror Malfoy. Btw, is it really professional for you to** **make** **irrelevant** **conservation** **while working?**

 **—NB**

 **As if anything would really happen. Your appreciation makes me wonder if I can expect anything in return?**

 **—** _ **Minister Lucius**_

'Ha _,'_ Narcissa snorted, 'he certainly did not like being called an Auror.' She was teasing him and he teased her back. He definitely did not like her calling him by last name too. But what got her hesitate was him mentioning the "payback". Before she decided what to reply his second message came.

 **Though, seriously, I think what they said about the wizard sounds like TDL.**

 **—LM**

At first she was confused about what he meant by TDL. But then she got it. It was the abbreviation of _The Dark Lord_. The powerful wizard who aimed at having only pureblood witches to purify the wizard society. It was s sensitively topic. Socially and politically. Though she generally did not like those non-pureblood witches, she did not know whether killing them was necessary. After all she had meet many half bloods or even some muggle-borns who were very tenanted and nice. They also had happy families, like Grace and Carl. She was not sure it was fair to destroy all those for the purpose of purity. Lucius seemed fond of the idea. He talked about how he and his friends thought it was just the right thing to do. She thought for seconds and tapped her wand to vanish the message then changed the topic to her annoyingly gossiping colleagues.

XOXO

For the who-knows-how many-times Lucius had thought about the times when he met Narcissa, he suddenly realized that for the four times they met, alcohol seemed to always take a part. First time he was drunk; second time they met at a party aims at getting drunk then went to a bar themselves; third time they met at a pub for hook ups, the same place in which he had gotten drunk months ago; finally, the last time neither of them had had any drinks, though he still felt dizzy, for which reason he did not know. Thus, for their fifth time, he took her to one of his favorite restaurants. They had a fantastic time. She never failed surprising him. He did not know how, but every time he found her more attractive. However, one thing that really disturbed him was that though she was obviously enjoying herself, she still seemed tense, looking round to see if there was anyone that would recognize her. Maybe she was worried about being seen with him. Did she not want to be seen with him? Or did she not want to be with him at all? He tried to ignore that thought, but didn't really succeed. He felt unconfident all of a sudden. He had the slightest worry that he was not good enough, especially when there was a thing that was her so called boyfriend. The harder he tried, the more he thought about the man she mentioned before. The man she claimed to be her boyfriend, _ex-boyfriend_ , whom he had never met. He finally understood the meaning of jealousy. There was fire in his heart. If thoughts could kill, he would put that man in the hell he created for him. Destroy him mercilessly.

When they sat down at the corner of a small cafeteria, Narcissa asked,

"What's wrong Lucius? You looked absentminded since we were having dessert."

She sounded concern. He didn't answer right away. She leaned in a bit and put her hand on his. Her hand soft. He could also smell the floral scent in the air. He wondered if that was the smell of Narcissus. He looked down at her hand and decided that he liked that smell.

"Lucius? Did I—did I say something wrong or offensive during dinner? If—"

She sounded worried and he hurriedly replied,

"No! Not at all. I understand your worry about Him. I mean, it's true that the thing he's trying to pursue is sensitive and extreme but—Anyway, that's not what I'm thinking."

"Then what were you thinking? You know how we talk. I won't slip a word, that is, if you want to talk about—"

"I _do_ want to talk about it," Lucius interrupted her, "It's just—" He ran his hands through his hair and signed. She waited patiently. Now he had to say that out, he was already half through, he could not just quit like this.

"Would tell me something about him? The boyfriend you mentioned?"

"But you didn't believe me."

"I did! I just, I don't think you actually have a boyfriend, not right now. No offence."

"None taken." She stopped and looked at him, a faint smile at the corner of her lips, "You are right. I don't have a boyfriend at this moment. But I had a lover."

"A lover?" He recognized the sweetness in her voice and tasted bitterness in his own mouth.

"Yes." She answered simply.

"You said, you had?"

"Yea-yes. And I haven't gotten over him yet."

He swallowed hard,

"Tell me about him"

His voice hoarse.

XOXO

"I was four when I first met him. On a Christmas party. You know how children like to play together. He wore a white suit and was as serious as a real gentleman. Now I think of it, it was a little weird that I still remember those details. I was small and my attentions was somewhere else at that time. I was eager to join my sisters in their big girls' games. I was the smallest girl of my family, the youngest, and was always attracted by the more mature world. But now, when I try to think of the first time, all I can see is him, standing beside a table, fingers curled and tried to look happy and interested even though it actually bored him to death."

"Was he a family friend?"

"Not exactly. There were no connections between our families, not through marriages or businesses."

"Did you talk at the party?"

"No. Like I said, I was too preoccupied with other things, first my sisters and their circles, then the drinks and food and the Christmas gifts."

"What did you get that year? On your fourth Christmas?"

"Lots of things. Candies, dresses, toys maybe. I couldn't really remember them now. I remember I had a whole set of green cloths on my tenth birthday though."

"Because you were going to school."

"Yes, because I was going to Hogwarts and to Slytherin."

"Did he go to the same school?"

"He did. I don't think I had saw him on the sorting festival though. My sisters were so happy I got in the right college."

"He was not in the same year as you?"

"No, he's in a different year."

"You said you didn't see him, you tried to find him?"

"Not really, not intentionally at least, I don't know. Maybe. I am not very sure myself. I don't think so."

"When did you start noticing him?"

"I am not sure when or how things started. I mean, he no doubt was excellent in almost every way. He was good-looking, handsome, he was talented at school and had ambitions. It was just so easy."

"I don't know a man who can fit all your descriptions. He must had some shortcomings. You must—oh, _maybe_ I just don't know."

"Anyway, he was popular among girls."

 _Snort_

"And I think he was too good for me, so I stayed away and just looked."

 _Almost_ another snort.

"I don't believe that, you are good enough for anyone." It was a mutter, a hushed complaint.

"But suddenly, during the second semester of my fourth year, we started talking, when— er, after he saw me coming out from the Requirement Room."

Raised eyebrows and a chuckle,

"Ah, secrets. They are the best. Better then favors. So you then started seeing each other?"

"Not until the Christmas of my fifth year."

"More than four years ago."

"Yes."

"Were you happy?"

"The happiest."

"Did he feel the same?"

"I think so. We loved each other."

"Ok…then…if you don't mind me asking, why did you break up?"

"Things happen."

"There is no more chance to fix things?"

"Don't think so."

"Then… since you are not with him now, as you said, _things happen_ , you should move on. You can't stick with your past forever."

"He may have already moved on, has he?"

"He has."

"Then why don't you?"

"I think I had met the love of my life." She said that like a statement of a solid fact.

He wanted to say something. To argue something. Like there could be more than one chance to meet the love of her life. Or that she was so young and could be mistaken. But he couldn't. Juts like he couldn't explain to her how he felt about her. How he really felt, which in no way could be described by words or sentences. He felt everything. He felt himself change. When he was with her, he was no longer the arrogant bastard that many people would described him as. He felt alive. He wanted to be a better man and to be with her. But it was not a decision he could make on his own. And she had to, she just had to had a lover, and she had to tell him about that person. A lover from the past, a perfect man who existed in her memories and in her heart. A man he did not know and she refused to tell him. She refused to tell him his name, or anything detail about him. He only got to know how excellent, how absolute he was and even though they were no longer together, he was still the reason that he and Narcissa could not be together. But he could not find him. He could not blackmail him or kick open his door and beat him. He could do nothing. It was like punching into soft cotton, like he was fighting a ghost. He suddenly felt helpless and hopeless. He looked at her, wonder if the vulnerability in her eyes were actually reflections of his own,

"Maybe we can have a try? That if things don't work out, just in case, we can then back to friends again? I am no longer engaged with Victoria, you know." He felt proud that he had sorted things out before he saw her today so that he would have the confident to ask her to be with him. To be fair with her.

"I—I want to Lucius, but I couldn't." She said in a strangled voice and almost inaudible. It almost sounded like a confession.

He did not understand. There must be much more stories than she was telling him. He was curious to know all of those. But she sounded so desperate, like she would break down any time. The way she looked at him made him feel like she was asking him to save her. He did not know why and how and was definitely not satisfied with her reply. He felt anger, but there was no way he would push her further. Not tonight. So he signed,

"I only want to see you, and talk to you and when you need me I can be with you and help you. I want you to know that, if nothing else."

She nodded slightly, holding a sad smile. Too much tear in her eyes that she could barely see him. He swallowed but continued,

"If you still insist that we can only be friends for now, then friends it is."


	11. Chapter 11

11\. Someone in sight.

Narcissa hadn't had a proper sleep since she told Lucius about 'him', which was a week ago. The coldness that spread in her hands and feet kept her from falling asleep. She would turn off her light and curl up in her bed. Then, when she closed her eyes and the surrounding world fell into darkness, she could hear her heart bumping at her eardrum, travelling to the vessel near her temple with such a force that she could even feel the vibration of the air. Her ear could hear him saying her name, a soft sound delivered by the night; her nostril could smell his scent in her room, a place he had never been into; her heart pounding and she could see him behind her eyelids, smiling. She smiled too. Then she opened her eyes and everything was gone. It was only her, in her empty room. She felt like crying but even tears refused to come. Her eyes dry and tired, but she could not sleep.

There was one night, when she was utterly exhausted, she passed out on her bed. Three hours later, she woke up from a nightmare, lost the ability of screaming. It was Lucius's wedding. The Narcissa in her dream was as beautiful as every bride on their wedding day. Only when she walked towards Lucius, he asked her in that confused tone about who she was and why would she wear like a bride on his wedding day when he could not even remember inviting her. Narcissa in dream was obviously more bold and emotional than she was in reality for she inquired him about his memory and insisted that she was the one he had wanted to marry. When someone come over and tried to pull her away, she struggle and kicked her feet trying to get away. Lucius was becoming a blur and when she finally hit something, she woke up, her toes ache from kicking the post of her bed. She did not care about her feet but felt it was her heart that got wounded and was bleeding. She stayed with her eyes wide open until it was time for her to go to work. She did not know what to do.

She went to St. Mungo and attended to her patients. They were in low spirits and she felt herself as tired and sick as them, if not more. It was then she thought of why she would choose to be a nurse in the first place. There were so much sickness that could not be noticed simply by eyes. If a girl sit quietly in a coffee shop, who would know she had just broken up with her boyfriend? It was a normal afternoon, it was a normal coffeeshop and the girl looked just like any other girl walking on the street who should have nothing to worry about. Who knows or cares what was hidden under their skin and what they were thinking about in their little heads? Merlin, she felt so sentimental and desperate. She hated when she was like this.

After she had taken care of her last patient this morning, Narcissa went to the bathroom. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had dark and heavy bags under her eyes, her skin unusually pale. She had lost most of the lipstick she applied on in the morning and her lips looked lack of blood. Even Grace noticed something was wrong. More than once she said that she looked tried and asked her if everything was all right. She gave Grace a faint smile and changed the topic. She did not want to talk about it. Not with Grace. But she did want to talk about it, she just did not know where to start.

Lucius still wrote to her constantly. They had agreed to remain friends even after the kiss. She knew Lucius was not happy about that. It bothered him so much that he even asked her about 'him'. Her lover as she had told him, only he had no idea it was he himself. She did not like it but automatically, every time when she sat down in front of her desk she would pull out her notebook and check and secretly anticipating if he had written her a new message. Almost every time she would get something. Some casual talks, like how's her day or would she be able to get off early so they can have dinner together. No matter how simple his messages were, she could always feel happiness risen from her heart. She enjoyed his attention. She loved that he cared about her and that it was _him_ who cared about her. She hated herself for she could not respond to his feelings as how she wanted and she hated him for causing her so much struggles and stole her sleep without even knowing. Worse of all, if you let her choose, one thousand times she would choose to lose her sleep in exchange for Lucius to write her messages every single time.

It was lunch time. She probed herself on an elbow and looked at her spaghetti, totally lack of appetite.

"You should eat Narcissa, you are fading." Grace suddenly said and startled her a little.

"I am fine!" she snapped. She felt her eyebrows narrowed immediately. Grace was right. She knew she was losing weight but she did not need Grace to remind her of that. She knew she let her annoyance show on hr face but she did not really care. Grace did not say anything. She looked up and saw her slightly wounded expression. Narcissa softened a bit and apologized,

"I'm sorry. That was mean. I didn't—I—"

"It's fine. I understand."

"Thanks." Narcissa muttered. She looked down at her plate and put some noodle into her mouth when Grace said,

"You know, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here."

Narcissa nodded but did not say anything. She focused more on her spaghetti. For the next minutes, or even half an hour they did not say anything. It felt fine. She appreciated that Grace did not push her. She did want to talk about it with someone. Grace did not know Lucius. To her he could be anyone. She would not spill details so it should be safe. Although she had convinced herself that things should be fine and that she really wanted to talk about that, she was still nervous. She could feel her heart pounding and her face heat. It was not until their lunch break almost ended, and that she had finally finished the last bit of her spaghetti that she asked,

"If, I mean, only if, I like this guy and want to be with him. I know he feels the same, but there is a very strong force—" She hesitated whether she should mention Lucius's mother. She looked at Grace, hoping she could understand without her further explanation. She did.

"You mean, like the social opinions and something family stuffs?"

"Yes."

"But you can still try maybe? Being together means you would overcome lots of problems together, it could be one of them. It will also help strengthen your bond."

"I know what you mean," she replied. Grace was right but her words were too general. One can always say what should be done but saying and actually doing were totally two different things. Of course she would try and fight for her and Lucius. But she did not even get the chance. All she had gotten last time was a notice that things had ended. She had had no saying at all. And this time, she did not know if she would have the courage to try again. She was not sure she could take the same result the second time. Narcissa tried to explain again. "It's not just like that. It had succeed last time and I'm afraid it would also destroy what we have this time—what should I do? _Oh_ and he had no idea about the force that had separated us."

For some time Grace was silent. Narcissa felt that she was making nonsense. She was wondering if the scenario was too confusing when she said,

"I think, if you of have mutual feelings towards each other then you should talk to him about that. Let him know. You said that last time things didn't worked out when you were on your own, maybe this time it would work if you try together?"

Narcissa stared at Grace. She bit her lips but did not say anything.

XOXO

Three o' clock in the afternoon was a tricky time. It was between noon and dusk. It was too late to start working on something but it was still early to warp things up. The hesitation was similar to standing at the middle point of a swaying bridge. It was scary to going on but was also has been too far away to worth going back. Lucius arrived Malfoy Manor at five past three. Persephone was having cookies with black tea.

He looked preoccupied. Either he had made some mistakes and was debating if he should tell her, or he was worried about something. She was not sure. She arched her eyebrows but did not say anything.

She was having her second cup of tea when Lucius finally decided there had been enough silence. He cleared his throat to get her attention. When she looked up from her fashion magazine, he said,

"Mother, would you tell me about you and father?"

She didn't expect that, though she had thought it would be about personal issues. Lucius had never been interested in things between she and Abraxas. To him, it was either him or her. When he wanted money or wanted to discuss school and Quidditch, he went to his father. When when it was about lives, like when he wanted some new suits or he wanted a haircut, he talked to her. She and Abraxas were separated and had very clear devision about which parts did they take care of. She managed the manor while Abraxas dealt with the business. She did not know why Lucius suddenly put them together and where did his interest come from. She tried to not let her suspicion show on her face.

"Anything happened with you and Vicky?"

Victoria had been at Malfoy Manor every Wednesday for almost a year now. It started before she and Lucius's engagement. It was sometime around…ah, sometime around when she found out about Lucius's farce. But Victoria was not here today. She had wondered. Last time Lucius had been here they talked for almost an hour. Since then Victoria seemed a little off. She looked at him, his eyes flicked for a second then he said,

"I met a girl."

He made it sounded like a declaration. She looked intensely at his face and was mused. He looked so childish again. Like how he talked about his dream of being a Quidditch Captain when he first came back from Hogwarts for Thanksgiving. While the truth was, less than a year later, he quitted that violent thing for good.

"Mother? Are you—"

She snapped from her thoughts,

"Yes, I heard you." That was the thing about Lucius. She did not know where did he get that but he tend to express things indirectly. Like now, he wouldn't take a lot of trouble just to tell her that he had met someone. There must be more. She felt slightly annoyed that he had to take more steps than necessary to clarify a thing.

"I want to see her."

She arched her eyebrows,

"Well, that," she paused, staring at him right into the eyes, "She's not a muggle or anything below pureblood right?"

She had to make sure about that. A Malfoy seeing anyone lower than a pureblood would be highly inappropriate. She did not think he would do that but she still had to make sure.

"Of course not." Lucius replied quickly. Persephone did not ask further questions but nodded. She was still looking at him, as if expect him to say more. What did she want to know? He had thought he would be asked far more questions and might be reprimand by his mother since as far as she knew, according to her arrangement, Victoria was his fiancee. But she seemed oddly fine with the fact that he wanted to see someone and he was sure she knew whoever she was, it was not Victoria.

It was he who broke the silence again,

"So about Victoria—"

"Did she know?"

"Yes?"

"What did she say?"

Lucius did not know how to reply to that. It was… not the question he would have expected. What if Victoria knew, what if she did not know? His mother did not know he had ended his engagement with Victoria so— _Oh, wait_ , she wasn't thinking _that_ was she? Him having a—

He knew it was common for pureblood men to have mistress or affairs. His father had once told him about such things, but they usually kept that within men. He was talking with his mother and he was not even married!

"She'll get used to it. You are a man, a Malfoy man. That's meant to happen." She waved her hand and said quickly dismissively. It sounded like a conclusion she came up to and a diagnose about him. He felt confused, weirdly confused.

"Mother?" he asked, "Aren't you upset?"

"Why would I be?" She looked at him and tried to say that nonchalantly, but failed. She was not happy about it after all. He watched her narrowing her eyes and looked at him pointedly,

"That's why you wanted to know about your father and I? That if he had had a slut?" She could not control the hatred in her voice now. She felt disgusted. "Or maybe you have already known? Had he told you about those things? And _that's_ why you ask?" She saw his expression and knew her guess was right.

It was the first time Lucius had seen his mother snapped. She was harsh and cold the most of the time but she barely snap. It was not ladylike. For s second he thought that angry made her more alive. He did not know what to reply. His father did had told him about his affairs. But that was not what he wanted to know. He did not want to have an affair. He wanted to know if his parents had married because they had had some affections towards each other, if not love and, if so, how things had happened. He felt sorry for his mother and did not give a thing for the other women. He wanted to tell her so, or to say what he actually want in a correct way. He may also mentions something about taking his 'engagement' with Victoria into second consideration. But before he could say anything, his mother spoke again, this time calmer but with obvious sarcasm,

"You see, no matter how many women were out there, I am the one and only Mrs. Malfoy."

"Were you in love when you get married?"

"Love was never the problem. Marriage is just marriage." She was back to her old way now. Distant and cold. Almost like Narcissa when he asked her certain questions and he knew, he just knew, there must be secrets behind. More stories that weren't told. So he pushed,

"Aren't you supposed to be married because you want to?"

Persephone scowled at him, as if he was a five-year-old naive boy, asking an absurd question.

"There is no want to— it doesn't really matter." Before he could say anything more, his mother declared that she was tired and he should leave. She didn't say anything about Victoria or the girl he mentioned. Narcissa.

When he apparated away from Malfoy Manor, he could not help but thought about what his mother said. There was a pause between want to and doesn't matter, but it was so short that he was afraid he was mistaken.

XO

Lucius had left before dinner. Persephone felt angry but tired. Why would he ask her those questions? Affections and free wills. Those were priceless luxury. Was he wondering what it would be like if affections exited in a relationship? She knew he did not like Victoria. No men liked those girls who fit in all the requirements for a pureblood wizard. They thought they were formal and no fun. Or was he asking her how it felt to once had something and then lose it? Did he know something? Did he meet someone? Another girl? He could not know what had happened to her. That was a comfort. But still, him asking such questions were dangerous generally. She made a mental note to find out what was going on later. For now, she wanted to finish the magazine she had read, or maybe some newspapers, or maybe, just maybe, she should pull out her dusted diary and read a paragraph or two… Just in memory of her young and innocent years. But she was so tired that she could barely keep her eyes open. When she finally fell into sleep, she heard the clock in the nearby church ringed and saw a girl in a white wedding dress running away with a man whose face she could not see. Do they still do that nowadays?

 **A/N: Thanks for everyone who read my story till this chapter! I was looking at the views and noticed that the number of views of chapter 10 is much fewer than chapter 9. Although I personally like chapter 9 a lot, I wonder if there are any parts of the story that isn't clear enough or is there any way I can improve it? I'm also not so sure about how the rest of the story is going so if you have any suggestions or any plots you would like to see please tell me!**


	12. Chapter 12

12\. You hurt

Persephone didn't check on the girl Lucius might be seeing. Narcissa didn't talk to him about lost memories. Lucius was busy with work though he could not care less about what they were doing at work. To be honest, he did not care who might be hurt by the dark witch, as long as he did not come to him and those who he cared, namely his mother and Narcissa. What if other people's lives got messy? He would admit nonchalantly, that he was a selfish person and cared nothing about what happen to those of lower status. People should take care of themselves. After all, who dare say they were perfectly happy?

Right now, the only thing he cared about was talking with Narcissa, seeing her, or generally everything about her. They talked until late into night. He would imagine those words being said in her sweet voices, her wrinkling her delicate nose and her cute giggles. He would smile and feel warmness spread in his chest. Then suddenly it would cool down, for he would realize that she was not here and everything was only his imagination and worse, for he wanted her to be here, to be with him so much. His heart beat so hard that he felt the shrink and expand of his vessel. He could also feel at the end of his vessel, there was a wound hidden deep inside his heart. For the first time he seemed to understand those sentimental words in literature. Dame them.

He usually met Narcissa once or twice a week. Sometimes they would go to restaurant he liked. He told her so but in fact he picked those which he thought she would like. If his guess was right it would be another surprise for her. He loved the smile she gave him every time she thought it was a coincidence that they liked the same thing. Sometimes they would eat take outs at her place. While he enjoyed every moment he spent with her, he also realized that he was bothered more and more by the mysterious man. On his way to her apartment, Lucius made up his mind to ask Narcissa about him. However, when she opened the door, he immediately forgot his own problems. She looked pale. She had been a little bit off recently but today she looked weak.

"Are you alright?" He asked with a frown.

"I'm fine." she stepped aside to let him in then walked into the kitchen herself, "I made tea. Do you want some?"

Lucius's eyebrows furrowed deeper. It was almost nine in the evening. Narcissa usually did not have tea at such a late time because tea kept her awake. Why did she want tea now? Didn't she want any sleep?

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked when Narcissa came out from the kitchen wit two cups in her hand.

"Talk about what?"

"I don't know. Whatever you want?"

Narcissa looked at him, surprised and confused, wondering how he had know she had something in mind. She hesitated for one more moment,

"It's…It's actually one of my friends."

"What happened?"

She bit down her lips, trying to find a way to describe things correctly.

"She was forced to break up with her boyfriend."

"You mean, she was dumped by her boyfriend wanted?"

"No. I don't think he wanted that either. Well, she did not think he wanted that."

She said the sentence twice, with the same meaning. Emphasizing that it was something happened to her friend but not her. Lucius smirked. He knew those tricks. In almost every case, when someone overemphasized the fact that it was a friend's story, it was theirs. Thus, Lucius felt his smile slowly faded, when he realized that Narcissa was telling the story of her own. He told himself to not rush to the conclusion but listen and see where it goes.

"Is it because family then? Long distance relationship maybe?"

"No." She answered simply, "It was one of these. It was because he—", she wallowed, almost could not say the word, "He forgot."

"He forgot? About what?"

"Everything. He forgot that they had been dating. He might even forget her as a person. Everything they had had. As if she was never in his life, ever."

If was so much easier after she got the word 'forget' out. It was like she had finally pushed the door open and could keep talking this topic for a very long time. But she managed to stop herself before she gave out too much.

Lucius felt his heart tightened. He wanted so much to know, to make sure whether it was something happened to her friend or was it actually, as he had guessed, she herself, who had gone through all these. Did her boyfriend forget her? Was he hit by Obliviate? Was that why they had broken up? He had so many questions.

"Do you-does she know what happened?"

He asked and hoped that she would mistake the desperation in his voice as pure curiosity.

"She's not sure. She told me, there was once, she met him in Diagon Alley. She saw him, and saw him seeing her, but it seemed that he did not recognized her, even though he stared at her for sometime."

"Maybe he was pretending."

"You can pretend you do not know a person? I mean, like you do not know her at all, that, that you can conceal every sign of recognition and act as if the girl was a simple stranger as—who does not worth any attention?"

There was one second she might say that 'as if you are blind' for she had been so sure that if he had remembered her he would at least show something. His muscles would become stiff and his eyes would tell. He would not ask her what her name was and waited on the street because he was feeling sick. He would not ask her about what happened between her and her 'ex-boyfriend' then ask again and again if there would be a chance they could try to be more than friends.

"Maybe?" He responded cautiously, "not always though. If, as you said, they were in love, then there must be some clues showing that. Say, if I am annoyed at you but saw you on the street. I may pretend that I don't see you but you would know I am pretending because my behavior would become unnatural." He paused, "There are certain things even the best actors can not hide." He would not say the word started with 'L', or anything like that. He was not a good actor. "So, if she did not see anything at all, then maybe something did happen and he did lose his memory."

He was already thinking of the curses that would cause the lost of a memory and if there were any way to fix the damage for he was sure that was what she wanted to know. Instead she asked,

"Is that true? You are annoyed at me?"

He snapped out of his thoughts to see her worried face. He liked that she seemed to pay more attention on the direction of his annoyance rather than his other comments, even though it was just an example he used to illustrate his point. He held her stare for some time then smiled softly,

"Narcissa, I'm sitting here and talking with you. If I'm annoyed at you you would know and I wouldn't want to see you at all."

Narcissa did not reply. Nor did he say anything more. For sometime they were silent. The thing was, when he was with Narcissa, even silent felt comfortable. He knew she was thinking and he would give her that time.

"If one day, I forget you, would you try and make me remember everything again?"

"Of course I will. It will be a shame if only I remember the great memories we shared."

"Even if that hurt?" She sounded hurt already and he could feel his beat beating quickly. It hurt him too.

"Even if it hurt. Something is meant to be remembered."

XOXO

Even on a rainy afternoon there were many people in the second hand bookstore. Grace wondered if they took the bookstore as a place to avoid getting wet while killing a lazy Saturday afternoon. To her, bookstore was not a place to buy books but a place to read. She had a son to raise and her salary as a nurse could not afford lots of books. Thus, she found this second hand book store and do some reading when she was free. Usually she was not picky on the genre of the books, though she did have a preference on mysterious stories. Another thing she was into was how muggle people perceive magic. One marvelous example would be the second Queen of Henry VIII, the famous and powerful witch, Anne Boleyn. Last time she found a book named 'The secret diaries of Anne Boleyn' on the lowest level of a shelf. There cover of the book was a picture of Anne Boleyn herself. Anne wore a dark cloak had her right side towards the camera, her face hidden in the shadow. Even from that angle Grace could see the ridge of her nose and imagine her brown eyes. The book was actually a collection of Anne's letters, to her families, her friends, her king husband and her own private diaries. It provided more aspects to look into Anne's life while also further complicated everything. She always found it interesting how to interpret certain words, depending on the circumstances and the personalities of the writer and receiver. Anne's passion about making puns added more fun. After all, it was a story of which a talented witch giving up one of her most important identity and choose to fall in love with a man. No matter how high his status might be in his world, to her, he was just one of the men who did not have the ability of magic. She wrote about confusion and struggles, about love and then more confusions and more struggle then some inevitable betrayals. Usually those would be the things that attracted her the most, however, this time, Grace found herself more interested in the annotates beside the context. Or, to be more precise, two people used to exchange messages with each other at the blank place of this book. Another secret diary.

Grace knew there were two people because their handwritings were totally. One was more girlish and more neat while the other was more powerful while askew. She guessed they had some kind of code between them because the messages did not follow the pages of the book.

On page seventeen, beside the letter Anne wrote to her she wrote: _Do you like my new dress?_

Under that he replied: _I like that it was the same color as my tie._

Grace smiled. She remembered she had some similar conservations when she was at school.

At the end of the same page, the boy asked,

 _What did Dippet want? Didn't see you when we won._

Grace felt little bit weird with the name of Dippet. Wizard world was a small world. There were not many people with the name of Dippet. The only one she knew had his portrait in the headmaster's office at Hogwarts.

 _Ah… Obviously mother had talked with him again and insisted that I should get off school early to get married._

They were talking about schools and marriages. Now Grace could be almost sure that they were students at Hogwarts. That might also explain why the book ended up in the bookstore at Diagon Alley. She turned over the book and looked at the golden print alone its spine. No doubt this was an exclusive edition. Normal family would never spend so much money on a book about rumors and scandals. It must be from the library.

She looked back to the page and saw the boy's reply,

 _With whom? The useless prat whose only value is the money he would inherit?_

 _I know. Tell mother about that._

He didn't reply. There were no more messages on that page. Grace did not know when they had started writing to each other like that but the messages on the next several pages were messy.

The girl wrote,

 _Don't fool me like that. I'm not one of your mindless fan girls._

Then on the same page, she wrote again,

 _We need to be more careful about this. If anyone finds out we will be damed._

Three pages later the boy wrote,

 _I won't be able to make it tomorrow. Emergency._

 _Where will your mother be tonight? I need to see you babe. Working is frustrating._

 _Wedding is next summer._

 _We need a plan._

 _You sure we can do this?_

 _I have faith._

 _Meet me midnight in the backyard._

 _I like wild roses._

 _You looked tired today. Are you not eating again?_

 _It takes forever._

 _I will come back. I promise._

The last message was around the middle of the book. The girl asked,

 _It's almost spring now. Where are you?_

It seemed that it was another story about arrangement and free love. Grace did not know whether the boy came or not in the end and whether they got married and was happy ever after.

Grace was too young and was not born in the wizard society so she would not have heart the rumors about the girl whose first name was Persephone, how she fell in love with one of her classmates in Slytherin and tried to escape from her marriage with the Malfoy family to live with that man.

However, even Persephone herself did not know, that the book she took from her family library to Hogwarts and then brought home with her, had been found by a teenage boy years ago. He had read every message on it and had put it in his suitcase out of shock. Although even now he didn't know that he had accidentally lost it at one of the bookstore at Diagon Alley, for the only thing he remembered that day was seeing the most beautiful girl in the world.


	13. Chapter 13

13\. Haunted memories

Deja vu was a strange word. For the twelfth time in the recent three weeks had Lucius thought of the word, it still felt that way. What did it mean 'feel like having already experienced the present situation'? It's either he had or he hadn't. Feel like made it felt like as if he had a bad memory and had forgotten something. Its appearance started after Narcissa shared with him the story of her friend, or to be more precise her own story. If he had been unsure at the beginning, he was hundred twenty percent sure now. When she asked him the last questions, when she seek him for help and asked him whether he would choose to make her remember everything again, she looked deeply into his eyes. So deeply that to him it felt like she was drowning and was asking mutely for him to save her life. As if it was the other way around and he was the one who had forgotten her. Why would he do that? Even if he tried he could not think of a way to forget her. But maybe that was also why every time he thought he had the experience of Deja vu, Narcissa was always involved. How strange.

The first time was when they separated that night. When it had gotten really late and she should definitely have her rest, he squeezed her hand and kissed her softly on her forehead. He hated saying goodbye. If he's not gonna see her how could it be good? She smiled and watched him going downstairs. He could feel her eyes on him. He smiled. They always did this. She would watch him going away, saving the last moments they could have. In his imagination, he was walking on a flat ground and there was a fireplace on the side. It almost felt like the Slytherin dungeon.

The fifth time was when he saw a Qudditch poster on the street. Puddle mere United to Crudely Cannons. When he looked at the orange logo of Crudely Cannons, he saw instead in his mind Narcissa went to one of the games with him. A Semi-Final of the League Cup. He saw her sitting besides him and asking him whether he wanted another bottle of beer. He chuckled and shaked his head. How could that be true? He had never invited any girl to Quidditch. They didn't seem to be interested in either. All they cared about were supermodels, makeups and fashions. _Narcissa wasn't any other girl!_ His own voice defended her. He had to agree with that. He took a final look of that poster and remembered the date of the game, deciding to ask Narcissa if she would be interested to watch a Quidditch game with him, tactfully.

They had gone to the game the very next week. On a bright Sunday afternoon. It was another Crudely Cannons. He would have wanted to watch a Holyhead Harpies' game but they had been lost in another quarter-finals.

The game started at 1:30. They arrived almost an hour early then decided to take a walk alone the riverside. The river was clean and shinny. The air was fresh and clean. He walked side by side with Narcissa, their arms and hands occasionally brushing each other. It felt so cozy that he wished they could stay here forever and refuse to go watch the game.

"If Crudely Cannons win this time it would be their—" Narcissa bit down her lips and thought for a moment, then looked at him and said, "nineteenth championship in total."

He arched his eyebrows. He didn't expect her to know much about Quidditch. She sounded every bit like a fan girl while he had worried at the beginning that she only agreed to come and watch the game because he had asked nicely. Unfortunately, she was still wrong, even though that was a very small calculating mistake.

"No. It would be their twentieth." He stopped to recall their last victory. It was three years ago. He had just graduated from Hogwarts. "They won in the final three years ago. I was actually there myself. Drank too much and had somehow annoyed my girlfriend."

He regretted his words as soon as he said that. He could see Narcissa's face paled. She looked at him with wide eyes. He could not read the emotions inside. Her eyes were bright, wet and bright. Definitely because of something far away from joy. He wanted to berate himself. The words came out of his mouth automatically. He shouldn't be so reckless. All the time Narcissa watched him intently. He waited for her to say something but in the end she only asked,

"Do you remember what you drank that day?"

He was bit surprised by the question but answered nonetheless,

"Some beer I guess? I don't really remember. Narcissa, I—"

He wanted to explain —no, he wanted the time to go back so that he could take back his sentence. It's not that mentioning some of his past with girls would be a taboo, but that was also unnecessary, not to mention Narcissa seemed to be so upset. But she interrupted him shortly,

"It's fine. I understand."

She shut her mouth tightly, obviously still very tense. He had the feeling that she wanted to ask him more question. Was it about the game he watched or was it about the person he watched it with? Or was it really the drink he had had that she was interested in? He never knew for she said nothing until they went and watched the game themselves.

This also felt weird to him too. As if some pieces of a puzzle were missing. He didn't remember he had had a girlfriend when he graduated from Hogwarts. Had he been that bad a playboy who even couldn't remember his girlfriend's name? He lay on his bed and tried to grab as much detail as possible from the blur of his memory. When he closed his eyes, he saw Narcissa walking towards him in a white dress, her lips red as cherry and her smile as bright as a summer's day.

XO

He dreamt again. Again was he arguing with his mother.

"I'm still young. I just started my career. Why must I get married so soon?" He heard himself saying impatiently. Those words were true, but only half true excuses. Truth was that he was still waiting for the right time to come for him and Narcissa. Not to mention that he had already called off his engagement with Victoria long ago.

"You are almost twenty now. Remember how I told you every pureblood witch is supposed to get married at latest twenty years old? Plus—" He had wanted to argue but his mother held out a hand and stopped him, "Plus, we are not talking about marriage right now. I'm simply asking you to get back into engagement. I talked with Vicky and it would be better if we take care of the things quickly and quietly."

Lucius looked at his mother. The realization that she knew their break up only took him for less than a second. People didn't follow reality in dreams. He felt interesting how she could change freely between his ex fiancée by her full name and nickname. He smirked at the part of 'taking care of'. She used those words as if she was talking about an object of little significance. He tried to not snap but didn't really succeed.

"I have already called off the engagement between Victoria and me so it's officially over. There is no taking care of it, mother. There is no leeway in this matter. Even if I _am_ getting married, it would be my choice. _I_ choose my wife and _we_ decide when."

"Stop telling me all those theories about love and freedom. You are not even twenty, what could you know?"

Didn't they start the conservation in the first place because he's old enough? Lucius felt the anger rise from his stomach to his brain,

"Just because you didn't get what you had wanted doesn't mean I can't have what I want." He should have stopped there. He had already said too much, but he could not control himself. "Mother you are being bitter." And _you_ are being mean.

He saw his mother's face turning white. He had also wanted to say something about her mourning. But that was far cross the line and he had already gone too far. He bit his tongue and cursed himself,

"Mother, I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

But she glared at him and sneered,

"What do you think you know? You read some old newspapers and thought you know about my life now? Think you have the right to judge? Tell you what, he did come back. Only it was too late. Or was it? No, I don't think it would ever be too late. I can still go with him. But I didn't. Because of you. _You_. My three-year-old son! _You_!" She looked at him and seemed to calm down a little bit. He could still see the up and down of her chest but when she spoke again her tone was much softer.

"You were so sweet at that time. Always cling to me. You would even cry if you woke up from your nap and I wasn't there. I can see how that had changed." She smirked and snorted,

"I know what you are thinking. You want to find yourself a sweet little wife and get rid of me."

"What? No, why would you think like that? I simply want to be with someone I like."

"You all say so, how much you care about us, how you would never forget about us. But in the end, you all walk away, to younger ones, more beautiful ones. I know, you men." Her voice sounded tired and he did not know if she was talking about him or was it someone else.

"No, mother, it's not like that. No matter who I marry, you are always my mother. I will always respect, so will she. We will not leave you. We will always take care of you." He said sincerely, turning to convincing her. But she only shake her head and signed,

"It was very nice of you, son. I appreciated."

"Mother, listen to me—"

He never got the chance to speak, she already walked away and he was also woken from his sleep.

They need to talk

As if someone had known his thoughts, just at that moment, there was a knock on his window. He opened the window and let the grey owl in. It carried a message from his mother. On the white paper, a line of green ink said,

 **We need to talk.**

XOXO

Persephone sat on her emerald armchair. On the ground beside her left foot was the latest Witch Weekly. On page six was a huge picture of Lucius sitting beside a blond, his hand around the back of her chair. Though the camera only caught half side of her face but even from that she could tell it was no other than Narcissa Black. Cross the photo whoever wrote this asked in a mock tone: _**Golden boy watching Quidditch without fiancée! Who's the new girl?**_

That's what Lucius saw when he walked in. He arched his eyebrows, thinking how this could process to be exactly like the dream had.

"Care to give me some extra information?"

"I went to watch Quidditch with a friend."

He said blankly. He didn't think his mother had known about him ending his engagement so he decided it would be better if he keep it simple.

"A _female_ friend." She obviously did not buy it.

"Sure." He answered, did not understand why that would be a problem.

"I don't believe it." Persephone said with a snort.

"Why? Because girls are not supposed to like Quidditch?"

Persephone didn't answer that but asked instead,

"She told you she like Quidditch?"

"No? I invited and she agreed. But we seemingly both enjoyed it. Why?"

Again she didn't answer but asked another question,

"How did you know her?"

Lucius was getting confused and suspicious. He could feel something was up. His mother kept asking him strange questions. She sounded more care about how he had met the girl rather than the fact that he was with her on a sort-of date while for her information he was still an engaged man.

"I met her—I just met her? What's with all these questions mother? I did go and watch Quidditch with her and so what?"

"I told…she was not…stupid girl…" He heard his mother mutter something under her breath but could not tell what exactly those were. He furrowed his eyebrows and was trying to figure out what this was really about.

"Anyway, you are not seeing her again." Persephone ordered firmly, leaving no space for argument.

"What? Why?"

"She's no good to you."

"You don't know her at all, how do you know she was no good to me? I felt so much better when I am with her!"

"Lucius," Persephone looked at him and said in a softer voice, "You don't know women as I do and I can tell you she's not the girl for you."

Lucius looked at her. He agreed with none of her words. But suddenly he remembered the conservation in his dream.

"It's not about her right mother? It's about me finding myself a girlfriend and that I may not care about you that much." He said that as a statement rather than a question. Persephone did not say anything. She could not deny that, thought she also refuse to admit that was the main reason. Lucius carried on and was more confident, "Mother, I promise that would not happen. You would always be my dearest mother no matter who I am with. I would always come and see you every week. I promise."

"No. I'm telling you. You cannot be with that Black girl."

"Wh—wait, you know Narcissa?"

The newspaper did not have any information about Narcissa and he did not know how his mother knew her last name.

"I had saw her at some parties." Persephone said reluctantly. It was true. About ten years ago or so the Blacks did still come to the pureblood parties. She did have seen her.

"What had she done that you do not want me being with her?"

She knew the answer without him asking. She knew it was actually not because the Black girl herself, but because her son. Because because he actually liked her. She was wrong because he liked her. She was wrong because _her_ son liked her. That's why they should not be together. But in no way she would tell Lucius that, so instead she said,

"You were so lightheaded with her. Fed me lies in front of my face. Say you went out with friends, while you were with her—"

He felt so very weird. He surely was missing something. She was using a past tense. He _was_ lightheaded…he _had lied_ about hangout out with her…but he didn't lie to his mother, the fact was she did not even ask where he was. Plus, they weren't really together even now, all because her ex boyfriend and how his family— _his family interfered_ —

Suddenly something hit him and everything made sense. He looked up at his mother and from the expression she's giving back to him he knew his guess was right.

"It was me." He murmured, barely audible even to himself.

"What?" Persephone asked, confused.

"It was _me_. It was _all me_." He looked pointless at his mother and raised his voice. "I have always wonder why she feels so familiar to me. She told me that she also went to Hogwarts and was in Slytherin but how strange, I had no memory about her. No memory about seeing her face, not about hearing her name, nothing. Not at all! She was only a year younger than me so I should have been there when she was sorted but I wasn't. Guess why?" He asked a question but did not really want an answer and answered himself, "Because I wasn't there in the first place! Because I broke my leg playing Quidditch the day before school started. And _that's_ what she meant that she didn't see _him_. If by ' _him_ ' she meant ' _me_ ' then everything would make much more sense now." He saw Persephone's paled face and knew that what he was implying, that the one who had forgotten about her without knowing, the family business that got in between them, was him and his family. He felt himself shaking slightly, out of which emotion he did not know. His voice lowered again,

"That's why she had refused to much to tell me her name but then asked me if I would want to regain all the memory. Of course, of course."

"You remember?" He heard his mother asking.

Lucius didn't look at her and replied,

"They will always catch up."

 **A/N: Sorry for the delay of this update. I couldn't really decide how to write this, I want Lucius to get his memory but also want to talk about the reasons why Persephone** **did't like Narcissa. I don't want her to be just mean. I'm still not sure how I feel about this chapter but it's here! Tell me what you think!**


	14. Chapter 14

14\. Love is not optional

Evening in December was freezing. Lucius stepped away from the crowd to have some fresh air on the balcony. A woman in white stood there. He walked over and put his hand on her waist.

"This feels unreal." Narcissa murmured. She stared at somewhere far away under the night sky. Lucius grabbed the glass in her hand and put it away,

"You drank too much."

"Exactly." She signed dreamily. He chuckled. He understood her sorry and insecurity. Everything felt excellent right now. In other words, one may say, it's 'too good to be true'. To be honest, he had also doubted himself, that whether this was juts a dream and he could wake up at any moment. But he knew, he was not dreaming and it was true. He walked closer to her and embraced her from the behind. His left cheek touched her sot hair. He murmured beside her ear,

"You are cold."

She replied absent-mindedly,

"Mm, not any more."

He smiled and embraced her tighter.

It had been 37 days since he got back his memory. He had a fight with his mother and apperate directly to St. Mungo's. Narcissa was still on her shift. He rushed into the ward but could not say anything. His palm was sweating, his tongue stiff. He almost could not breath. He must had been horrible for she asked him worriedly if he was fine. He looked at her blankly as if he could not understand what she was talking about. Just when she wanted to ask him again, he snapped back to reality and declared firmly,

"You have to marry me."

He chuckled. Narcissa turned back and looked at him,

"What are you laughing at?"

He put his lower jaw on the crown of her head then breathed deeply,

"I was just thinking how I must have sounded when I find you that day."

Narcissa giggled,

"Why, you sounded just like you."

He raised his eyebrows at the obvious smirk on her face. He loved when she was like this, happy and naughty, like every teenage girl, _his girl_.

"Well, I take it you also enjoyed it for if not we won't even be here."

It was quiet on the balcony. They could hear the music from inside the hall. People were dancing and drinking. They came to the celebration of the engagement party of Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black.

"If you ask me two months ago, I couldn't even imagine being engaged."

"Can't say I don't like surprise."

He covered his hand over hers. His thumb stroked the back of her hand. Her hands were so small. He felt himself being protective even towards her hands. He wanted to hold her hands all the time. Finger twisted, like how they would always be in each other's lives ever since. He wanted every one to know that she's with him. She was his and of course he was hers.

"I think mother had left. Do you think—"

"She's fine. She may just be tried." He knew she was not talking about her own mother. Last time he checked, Mrs. Black was talking happily with some other ladies. It was his mother who had left. "Mother understands. She was just being stubborn."

He still remembered the first few days. He wanted to marry Narcissa while his mother wanted to keep him as her own. He knew she actually understood that he wanted to be with the one he loved, like how she had wanted. But she was more afraid of being abandoned and being left alone, again like how she had been treated. He took Narcissa home for tea three days later and begged his mother to give them a chance. The two women he loved talked for three hours in his family house. He knew she would never admit loud but when he talked with his mother again about Narcissa, she didn't argue against, instead, she almost gave him her silent consent about their next movements. Lucius closed his eyes, feeling content with what he had now. Narcissa squirmed a bit then turned to face him.

"I always want to ask, why do you like me?"

He opened his eyes and looked into hers. She has the most beautiful eyes in the world.

"First, I don't like you, I love you." he paused, there are much more things that he wants to tell her, so much emotions which he wanted to express, but he could not. He opened his mouth but found himself could not say those words aloud. He wanted to tell her when he thinks of her name, he feels his heart light, like it has wings and can fly in the sky. He wants to smile; he wants to laugh. He wants to hold her hand and does whatever. It doesn't matter. He wants to be with her. Every time he thinks of her he couldn't think of anything else. Sadness, worries, happiness are all so far away. The only thing that matters is her. But, he couldn't summaries those to some exact reasons, like maybe because she is beautiful, or she is smart, or is a pureblood. She is. He couldn't deny all those qualities. But none of those are the reason he loves her. In the end, he found that the thing he could say was "I don't know."

He knew 'I don't know is not a standard answer and had expected she would not be satisfied but instead she buried her face in his chest. He could feel the smiling curve of her lips. She murmured, right above his heart,

"I love you too."

If someone ever find Lucius Malfoy's diary, he would find out that only sentence he wrote for his engagement party was that, 'love is not optional'.

—End

 **A/N: So... here it is! I had thought a lot about what could happen after Lucius gets his memory back but didn't feel like those ;(**

 **This story was inspired by a sentence I saw that says, if someone asks me why I love him, I think I can only say that, it is because of him, and because of me. And I added one more to say that love is not optional, that you don't really choose yourself but you fell for it. (Sounds really girlish lol) Anyway, here is my first story and tell me what you think if you would like! Anything is welcome!**


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